This post is for T – thank you.
It’s been 3 months since I started this blog. Actually, it was 3 months yesterday to be exact. When I started it I don’t know what I expected. I don’t think I really thought I’d be here still. I definitely wasn’t aware of how much calmer I’d be. I was thinking about suicide at that time on an almost constant basis. Now, the thought of ending it crosses my mind occasionally, but it’s not a need, it’s not an obsession. It’s 2 months since I’ve used painkillers. I thought it was inevitable that I’d go back to using. It isn’t, though. It isn’t inevitable. At this point I’ve written over 60 reasons to live. If I’m honest, I don’t think they’re reasons to live. I think they’re reasons that the world might be an okay place to be in. I can’t tell you that I want to be in this world. For I wouldn’t mind it different. I don’t, however, want anything to happen to me, and for the most part don’t see suicide as an option. It used to be. It isn’t now. There are definitely times that are hard. The past couple of weeks was just that. A moment by moment never ending struggle. I couldn’t see past it. There was a lot going on. There still is a lot going on in my life, but, I’m aware of how much it can all throw me, so can know that each thing will pass. No, it won’t all be easy. Yes, I’ve made a major mess of some things, but, it’ll pass. It’s possible. I can and surprisingly am doing it.