Thirty: I’m up to reason thirty………….

My title says it all, or so I think.
I’m up to reason thirty. Been thinking way too negatively the past few hours. I’m saying that way too often for my liking. I did something difficult for me to do today, and nothing came of it, so both the trying to do it, and the nothing coming of it, threw me. Well, everything throws me but that’s another story. So I was trying to think of a reason. I didn’t want to go to bed without writing one. For, I want this blog to be focusing on the positive, on the reasons why live, if I don’t actually go and focus on it, even when I really can’t face thinking of yet another nonsensical reason, then what is it for? It’s for writing the nonsensical posts until they mean sense to me. Until they really do feel true. I only write reasons that at that moment in time I can believe to be a reason, for else it is not a reason why live. Shar gave me a reason I could use. Well, she gave me many. She’s given me lots and lots. Just believing in me (that is for you Shar), but that’s for another post. I’m rambling. And getting sidetracked. On my blog post.

Reason Thirty. I was about to write the title. Thirty: Music. When I realized that I was actually up to REASON THIRTY. OMG. I didn’t think I’d ever get that far. Yeah, I know that I want to get up to about fifty, which is when my deadline that I’ve actually forgotten about for the moment, is. But to get to thirty reasons. To be able to think of so many? To believe in so many different reasons why live? Is this really me talking? The me who views suicide as a feasible option? Who may not want to kill herself (doesn’t), but sees it as a possibility? The me who has sat online for hours researching methods? The me who has come across enough sites that bypass any safesearch that will help you with it? The me or who thinks about life, and death, so. very. often?

This is my reason thirty. That this is my thirtieth reason why live. That I’m actually sitting and writing this post. I’m so f***ing grateful for it.

Thank you all of you who help me get here. You know who you are.


2 thoughts on “Thirty: I’m up to reason thirty………….

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  1. Hey Kiddo, I’ve missed a few. Been away. Wow! 30 is an awesome number to reach. Bring on 50 and then 50 more etc. I could list YOU as reason number 30, 31, 32, 33………………ad infinitum. Would never have to think of any others.

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