Life is about choices.
Sometimes it feels like the only option is suicide. Yet, that’s one choice. I was reading the letter I wrote – I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself – and stopped to write this.
One of the main reasons I held on was because I knew that I didn’t know what could be. Because if I’d end it, that’s the only option – ending it. Whereas if I’d hold onto life, I would always still have the option of ending it. By continuing to live, I can still always choose to die. Whereas once I’ve ended it, I’ve taken all choice away.
I always have the choice to end it. I will always have that choice. So it doesn’t have to be today.
This can actually go the other way. Surprisingly, using it the opposite way, is why I’m still here. When it was around 9/10 months since I’d committed to giving life a go I was explaining to AH (ex therapist) that I’d committed to giving life a go for a year, therefore I had to hold on until the year was up, and once the year was up I was going to end it. Because I’d promised to try, and I’d keep my promise, and a year was long enough to have kept to it for.
AH told me to take the date away. He told me I always had a choice. That it shouldn’t be about holding on until a year and ending it then, rather I had a choice here and now. I always have a choice here and now. Taking that date away is why I’m still her. For I had a choice. In each and every moment. Each and every moment is a choice. AH told me once when we were discussing it that his heart had been in his mouth – which, it should have been. I could just have well as reacted differently (this is the period of my life when I was OD’ing with cocodamol daily and wasn’t eating).
There’s always another choice. Choosing to live for today isn’t an endless choice. Choosing death leaves no other choice. No other option. Choosing life means you still have the choice. Between life and death. It’s a choice that leaves room for other options. Rather than a closed door with no other option. Ever.
One hundred and seventy six. There’s always another choice.
So long as there’s life, there’s hope. Today, when suicide really isn’t something I’m contemplating, I really believe that. Doesn’t mean I always will. Sometimes I believe it. Sometimes I live it. I’m looking forward to seeing what that hope can translate into.
Love, light and glitter