I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself

I’m rescheduling/reblogging what I wrote because, it’s applicable today. I wish I had the words.

A 16 year old girl in my community committed suicide the other day. I wish I could have spoken to her. I’m not sure if I’d know what to tell her. I’m not sure that there’s anything to say.

Dear ____ . Scrap the dear.

Hi.

If you’re reading this I’m guessing you’re suicidal. Have thought, are thinking of, suicide as a viable option. I know that place. Where the only option is to end your life in order to end the pain. It isn’t about ending your life I know. It’s about stopping the world. Getting off from a world you didn’t ask to be part of. Maybe that’s just how I see it. The train moving way too fast on the tracks, the tracks ending at a cliff, the train is going to hurtle down the cliff and you’re going to be shattered to pieces at the bottom. Or you can just get off the train of life. Continue reading “I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself”

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I don’t want to hurt my family #177

I’ve been thinking about reasons to live for the past few days.

I haven’t written on here in a while, for I haven’t been needing it in the same way. I don’t need the reasons in the same way. Friday was triggering. I was speaking to someone who told me that the reason she isn’t killing herself now is because she is religious and believes it is wrong. I know that’s the reason. We’ve discussed it before. Yet someone the thought was majorly triggering for me. For I was thinking about how I don’t believe it’s wrong. How I don’t know what I believe about religion. How I don’t even care if it IS wrong, that’s so not a reason not to end it….. Continue reading “I don’t want to hurt my family #177”

There’s always another choice #176

Life is about choices.

Sometimes it feels like the only option is suicide. Yet, that’s one choice. I was reading the letter I wrote – I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself – and stopped to write this.

One of the main reasons I held on was because I knew that I didn’t know what could be. Because if I’d end it, that’s the only option – ending it. Whereas if I’d hold onto life, I would always still have the option of ending it. By continuing to live, I can still always choose to die. Whereas once I’ve ended it, I’ve taken all choice away.

Continue reading “There’s always another choice #176”

Remembering those…

I wanted to share this.

It’s about sharing the memories of those who died through suicide.

The good people. The great people. The awesome people. Who fought in a war, won loads of battles, and ultimately lost the war. Remembering them for who they were, not for what they did.

Life’s heading – somewhere? #174

After writing this post I feel like it’s a reason. Life has always been about holding on. I’m grateful. That it begins to feel different. It begins to feel as though maybe there’s something more to life and this world. Maybe life can be, will be, about where life is heading. It’s heading – somewhere. I’ve no clue where that somewhere is. But it feels like it’s heading somewhere. Like it can head somewhere.

The past couple of weeks is the first time in my life that I’m beginning to see that there could be a life. It was/has always been about the opposite. First it was suicidality with no awareness of it. Before that, I never really lived in the world. I used to wonder if I was living in a dream and would one day wake up. I used to wonder if I was really real or a figment of my imagination – I know, where’s ‘my’ imagination coming from, or someone’s imagination. After I chose to give life a go 2.5 years ago, it’s always been, just hang on, coz’ it’s worth it, for there has to be something more. What’s the something? Who knows. Just believe. Believe in those who have done it before. Believe in the impossibility. Life’s been all about hanging on.

via Life’s heading – somewhere? — Journey to life

 

Random words

Constriction

Desperation

I just want to

Breathe

I just want to

Be

Suffocation

Desolation

I just want to

Give up

I just want to

Stop

Abruption

Damnation

I just want to

Refuse

I just want to

Use

Accustomisation

Actualisation

I wonder what’ll happen

If I just continue

I wonder what’ll happen

If I live

One Hundred and Fifty Eight: Broken phones

Broken phones. One Hundred and Fifty Eight. I broke my phone the other day. I know, it seems like a strange enough reason – breaking a phone. But yet there it is. Or here it is. Whichever you may. I dropped my phone on the road and I’m pretty certain it was driven over by cars. A really nice guy on a bike rang my phone for me and delayed himself by a few minutes whilst waiting for me to find my phone. Continue reading “One Hundred and Fifty Eight: Broken phones”

Therapy – looking back or going forward – what do you think?

I met this therapist on Tuesday. It was ____ too many words to actually be able to choose just one.

She said that in therapy you have to look back at all that happened to you and revisit it all.

I completely disagree. I think that there are so many people who think that in order to go forwards you have to go back. That you have to revisit everything that happened. And I think they’re wrong.

If you ask me, life is about moving forwards. Not back. Living with the reality. Living in the present. Continue reading “Therapy – looking back or going forward – what do you think?”

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