LTM: 18th July ’19

Dear Eliza

You are stronger than you could ever imagine. You are here. You could so easily have killed yourself. Yet you chose to give life a go. You chose life. Not death. You chose life for all the reasons you write. Primarily because death is final, life still gives you another option. And the belief. The belief in a little flicker of a light that was shadowed against the wall. You couldn’t see any light. You saw a reflection of a pinprick. You chose to believe in the light. Continue reading “LTM: 18th July ’19”

There’s always another choice #176

Life is about choices.

Sometimes it feels like the only option is suicide. Yet, that’s one choice. I was reading the letter I wrote – I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself – and stopped to write this.

One of the main reasons I held on was because I knew that I didn’t know what could be. Because if I’d end it, that’s the only option – ending it. Whereas if I’d hold onto life, I would always still have the option of ending it. By continuing to live, I can still always choose to die. Whereas once I’ve ended it, I’ve taken all choice away.

Continue reading “There’s always another choice #176”

Random words

Constriction

Desperation

I just want to

Breathe

I just want to

Be

Suffocation

Desolation

I just want to

Give up

I just want to

Stop

Abruption

Damnation

I just want to

Refuse

I just want to

Use

Accustomisation

Actualisation

I wonder what’ll happen

If I just continue

I wonder what’ll happen

If I live

Letter to myself: 22nd February 2019

I haven’t actually written to myself in quite a while. I’ve been wanting to all week so I guess I’m going to try.

Eliza,

Hi E

I don’t really know what to say to you. I don’t know how to tune into your world and really reach you. And that makes me sad. For me. For you. For both of us. All the same. That the distance is so necessary coz’ otherwise it just hurts so much. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 22nd February 2019”

Thinking about using

I’m constantly thinking about using painkillers. Less so about self harming, although that to. Often about throwing up, but that doesn’t feel like a need. Using and SH do. I know it’s not, but doesn’t change how it registers. I’m tired of thinking about it so much. I’m tired of constantly distracting. I’m tired of ignoring. I’m tired of acknowledging and moving on. Actually, I don’t acknowledge how much I want it enough.

Continue reading “Thinking about using”

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