Letter to myself: 15th November ’19

Dear Eliza

You don’t want to say hello to me. You don’t want to see what is for you’re scared. Although, what is (going on), is so good. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Even if it weren’t good, you’re strong enough to handle it. Plus you’ve got me with you always. You never have to be afraid. You’ll never have to face this world alone. You’ll always have me.

I love you Eliza. And I’m with you always.

I do wonder what is going on in your world. I feel locked out, although I know you’re locking yourself out too. For hiding behind a blanket means there is nothing beyond the blanket, right? I don’t think there are any monsters under the bed, but you’re scared anyways. You’re scared because you don’t know for certain that their aren’t. And, if you look under the bed, you may find a ball of fluff, and some dust, which is really easy to clean up. You may also find a monster. A monster which will grab hold of you and pull you under the be with it as soon as it glimpses you.

Eliza, if that happens, if the monster under the bed takes you, I’ll take you back. I’ll help you to fight the monster and destroy it. Or, as they said in krav maga, to defend yourself and run away. Don’t engage when you don’t need to.

You can’t hide under the covers for eternity. It would be cool if you could but that’s not even what you want. You don’t know what is under the bed. You’re scared of seeing. I promise you it isn’t as big or scary as you think it is. Even if it is, we’ll handle it. We can’t face it or deal with it if we don’t know what is there. When you’re ready.

When you’re ready Eliza. We will wait. I will wait for you, and I’ll stay with you. We’ll look under the bed together. And we’ll probably see that there was nothing there.

You’re scared of seeing what is. You’re on edge and some of the things you’re doing – like eating too much junk, throwing up when you do, reading xxx, aren’t positive and you think that’s a bad sign. You don’t want to know what is going on in your world.

At the same time Eliza, at the same time you’re trying out things. You’re taking care of yourself. You’re spending time with friends and being honest. You’re looking at volunteering, exercise and new opportunities.

The world is a mixture. All that you are doing shows me that you’re okay and that you can face why you’re not being perfect with food. Coz you’re normal and not perfect?

When you’re ready.

I love you Eliza. I love you as you’re present. I love you when you aren’t, too. I love you as you eat good/healthy things. I love you as you try not to purge, or you do. I love you when you’re calm. I love you when you’re freaking out. I love you Eliza. I love you always. I will love you always. Just as I’ll be with you always. You’re worth it. You’re special and awesome. You’re deserving.

Always and forever,

Shabbat shalom Eliza,

Eliza

LTM: 24th September 2019

Dear Eliza

Just to tell you that I’m with you and always will be with you. The day can bring anything along. Whatever it brings your way, I’ll be with you. For the good, for the bad, for the neutrals. I’m with you. I will be with you. Always.

You’re worth it.

I love you Eliza

Always and forever

Eliza

Letter to myself – 14th September ’19

Eliza

Hi.

It’s been a while. It’s been so long that I don’t know what to say to you. I love you. Cry if you want. I don’t know what is going on and that’s okay.

You wonder where reality lies. Why am I saying this? I wanted to talk some wisdom to you. For you were wondering what all the darkness you’re spouting on these pages tonight are about. If they’re real. I don’t know if it’s real. I don’t know what you think or feel. You class almost every moment as okay. Some good. Some tired. A couple meh or overwhelmed. Most okay, even when you are freaking out. So what is in your world? I just don’t know. I wish I did. For then I could give you the key.

I do know that we’ll find the key. And Eliza, when we find the key, we’ll find a beautiful garden. Filled with flowers and weeds. Tangled and tended to. A beautiful garden. Awesome in it’s wilderness. And together we’ll prune and let it continue to grow. We’ll find a garden Eliza. We’ll find a garden.

There is something there. You aren’t nothing. When you see reality, you’ll know reality is real, exists. It’s not emptiness. It’s not an illusion. It is there. It’s there. We’ll find the key Eliza. And we’ll unlock the door. And have fun playing. And learning. Learning the names of the plants and the purposes they serve. Looking at the beauty. Lying in the sun. It’ll be awesome exploring. Like Mary Lennox (The secret garden).

I’m looking forward to it Eliza. We’ll do it. Together.

I’m with you Eliza. Always. I will always stay with you. Even when you mess up. That doesn’t mean you should use cocodamol now (as you’re thinking). No, it won’t actually do anything to you. It probably will send you spiralling. Which isn’t really worth it.

I love you E.

People do care. Even if you haven’t met those people yet. Or can’t accept or believe it. You’re worth it.

I’m looking forward. Just breathe. Do or don’t type this up. Watch a movie or play a game. Put on music. Every moment is a new moment of life. Every moment you are planting and tending to the garden E. Even if you can’t see it at all. Ever if you can’t experience it.

I love you.

Always and forever.

Eliza

LTM: 18th July ’19

Dear Eliza

You are stronger than you could ever imagine. You are here. You could so easily have killed yourself. Yet you chose to give life a go. You chose life. Not death. You chose life for all the reasons you write. Primarily because death is final, life still gives you another option. And the belief. The belief in a little flicker of a light that was shadowed against the wall. You couldn’t see any light. You saw a reflection of a pinprick. You chose to believe in the light. Continue reading “LTM: 18th July ’19”

Letter to myself 25th March ’19

I don’t know if I’m really going to try and write to myself or not. I guess it doesn’t harm to and I can always just discard the post if I can’t. Now that I actually wrote it I’m not sure what I think. I don’t really know what I wrote or if I want to know. I’m tired and have no way of going to sleep for it seems like it’s going to spiral the moment I let it, so I guess we’ll find out what will be.

Hi E

I don’t really know what to say to you. I don’t know how to reach you. I don’t know what to do to make it okay. Continue reading “Letter to myself 25th March ’19”

Letter to myself: 22nd February 2019

I haven’t actually written to myself in quite a while. I’ve been wanting to all week so I guess I’m going to try.

Eliza,

Hi E

I don’t really know what to say to you. I don’t know how to tune into your world and really reach you. And that makes me sad. For me. For you. For both of us. All the same. That the distance is so necessary coz’ otherwise it just hurts so much. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 22nd February 2019”

Letter to myself: You aren’t guilty.

Eliza

I love you. I’m proud of you. Even as you get upset with your sister. I’m proud of you. I love you. Even as you hate that you’ve eaten too much. I love you even as you hate your body. I don’t know why you do. It’s kinda more recent. Maybe transference? I love you Eliza. Whatever you do or don’t do, I love you. And am proud of you. I wish I had a magic wand. Continue reading “Letter to myself: You aren’t guilty.”

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