Thinking about using

I’m constantly thinking about using painkillers. Less so about self harming, although that to. Often about throwing up, but that doesn’t feel like a need. Using and SH do. I know it’s not, but doesn’t change how it registers. I’m tired of thinking about it so much. I’m tired of constantly distracting. I’m tired of ignoring. I’m tired of acknowledging and moving on. Actually, I don’t acknowledge how much I want it enough.

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Shards

I wrote this elsewhere, and decided to take it and go with it, try make something positive of it.

As I said, I feel like I’ve fallen off the cliff edge and have no clue how to prepare myself for landing, or what even is at the bottom, way too far off for me to see. 
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Letter to myself: 26th July ’17

Dear Eliza

It’s so much easier to mess up. To test the boundaries (of safety with painkillers). I know how much you want to. How much you feel it’s a need. I don’t know what to tell you. I can’t promise you that it’s worth it not to, for I just don’t know. I can tell you though, that people have done this before you. That however much it seems impossible to leave the tunnel you’re trapped in, especially when you aren’t ready to get up, people have done it before you. Continue reading “Letter to myself: 26th July ’17”

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