Letter to myself – 14th September ’19

Eliza

Hi.

It’s been a while. It’s been so long that I don’t know what to say to you. I love you. Cry if you want. I don’t know what is going on and that’s okay.

You wonder where reality lies. Why am I saying this? I wanted to talk some wisdom to you. For you were wondering what all the darkness you’re spouting on these pages tonight are about. If they’re real. I don’t know if it’s real. I don’t know what you think or feel. You class almost every moment as okay. Some good. Some tired. A couple meh or overwhelmed. Most okay, even when you are freaking out. So what is in your world? I just don’t know. I wish I did. For then I could give you the key.

I do know that we’ll find the key. And Eliza, when we find the key, we’ll find a beautiful garden. Filled with flowers and weeds. Tangled and tended to. A beautiful garden. Awesome in it’s wilderness. And together we’ll prune and let it continue to grow. We’ll find a garden Eliza. We’ll find a garden.

There is something there. You aren’t nothing. When you see reality, you’ll know reality is real, exists. It’s not emptiness. It’s not an illusion. It is there. It’s there. We’ll find the key Eliza. And we’ll unlock the door. And have fun playing. And learning. Learning the names of the plants and the purposes they serve. Looking at the beauty. Lying in the sun. It’ll be awesome exploring. Like Mary Lennox (The secret garden).

I’m looking forward to it Eliza. We’ll do it. Together.

I’m with you Eliza. Always. I will always stay with you. Even when you mess up. That doesn’t mean you should use cocodamol now (as you’re thinking). No, it won’t actually do anything to you. It probably will send you spiralling. Which isn’t really worth it.

I love you E.

People do care. Even if you haven’t met those people yet. Or can’t accept or believe it. You’re worth it.

I’m looking forward. Just breathe. Do or don’t type this up. Watch a movie or play a game. Put on music. Every moment is a new moment of life. Every moment you are planting and tending to the garden E. Even if you can’t see it at all. Ever if you can’t experience it.

I love you.

Always and forever.

Eliza

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