Sixty One: Possibility

Anything is possible. I have to believe that. Else I may as well throw in the towel before getting hurt even more. I was writing.

Is it even possible
I wonder
Is it even possible
I thought
It was different
I thought
I could do it
I thought
If I just believed it enough
It would really be so
I thought.
Is it even possible?

Is it even possible
To live, just live, in this world
Is it even possible
To live without escaping
Is it even possible
Or obsessing in some way or another

I thought
I thought I could do it
I thought
I thought I was doing it
I thought
I thought this time it was different

Yes, I was doing it
Yes, it was different
I lived life for a few days
Without messing up at all
But it didn’t last
It couldn’t last

Is it even possible
I thought it was
Is it even possible
I thought it would be
Is it even possible
I thought I could do it
Is it even possible

It wasn’t, isn’t, even a choice
I’m not messing with painkillers
Just with food
But, why? Why? Why?
It’s all so, I don’t even know what
It didn’t last.

Is it even possible
I thought it was
I thought this time
It was different

I couldn’t eat this morning
Have still been eating
Just less than I would have been
Have still been eating
Therefore throwing up
Just – why?

Why does it have to be this way?
I’m calmer now, no longer on edge
I guess of course not, for I’m escaping
Or using, or whatever
I hope it’s not about destruction
But honestly, I’ve no clue why
Just – why?

Is it even possible
I thought it was
I had to believe in hope
I had to believe in possibility
I did. I believed it.
I did. I thought I could do it.
I did. I thought I was doing it
But it couldn’t, didn’t, last.

Is it even possible?
I don’t wonder that anymore.
I know that it isn’t
I know that I can’t
I know that I shouldn’t have
Believed

I know that I shouldn’t have
Believed in myself
Believed in hope
Believed in possibility
Believed in living life on life’s terms
Believed in living in this world – just being
I thought it was possible
I really thought it was…
I thought I could do it.

I wonder
If it’s anyways impossible
Why am I trying so hard?
If it’s anyways going to fail
Maybe I should just use now (painkillers)
If it’s anyways not going to happen
Maybe nothing should happen
Maybe I should throw in the towel
Maybe I should give up now
Before it hurts so much more
Maybe I should give in already

I know what this means
I know the limits I’ll take that to.
No. I shouldn’t
Give up now
No. I shouldn’t
Give in to failure

Is it even possible
I thought it was
I don’t believe it to be possible
But.
But.
But.
I want to live
I want to dream
I want to hope
I want to believe
I want to just be

Is it even possible
I thought it was
Is it even possible
I thought this time it would be
Is it even possible
I’ve proven that it hasn’t been
I’ve proven that it isn’t

I don’t know how to make it different
I don’t know how to change it
I don’t know how to make it
Possible.

Is it even possible
To live life on life’s terms
To just be in the world, okay
To live without escaping, self harming or destroying
To build normal healthy relationships
To cope with being myself
To do what I want regardless of others
To know what I want
To live with unity
To believe in myself, hope, possibility
Is it even possible

Is it even possible
At this moment in time
It isn’t possible
Is it even possible
I thought it was
Is it even possible
I still think it can be
Is it even possible
I don’t know how
But there has to be a way
For there’ll always be
As I thought
Possibility
For
Anything
Is possible.

Eliza

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