I wasn’t, am still not, quite sure what to title this post.
For the point isn’t, 90 days (or tomorrow that would be 3 months), but, all that it means. I’m not quite sure what I think about it. Or, I do know what I think, it’s just a whole lot of contradictions, which, isn’t surprising considering that everything is always a contradiction. It’s 90 days today since I’ve used painkillers. It’s not 90 days since I’ve obsessed about it. Not sure if it’s a day, actually, it’s 2 days, since I’ve last bought any just for the security of having it (well, I still need more to just have, I need the amount I need). It’s 90 days since I’ve used it. It’s kinda confusing too. Bewildering. How I got to it. It doesn’t actually seem possible. But yet, somehow, it is. I guess I’m more present in the world when I’m not using. It’s, an accomplishment. Not necessarily a good one, but just, something done that I thought impossible. Like climbing a mountain would be. Is is a good thing to climb the mountain? Who is to say that it is? But it’s an achievement nonetheless. I’m grateful, too. Grateful that I’ve done it. To have proved it’s possible. It’s not really, though. Possible I mean. It isn’t possible. I don’t really know what I’ve proven. That I can live without acting to destroy myself? Using was a form or doing that. If only I was living without acting on it at all – buying is in some ways – then I good say that. But, I can’t really, only mostly. Does that count? I don’t know if it does. I don’t really know what I’ve shown. I just know that it’s 90 days. And that it doesn’t have to have any more meaning to it than just that. It’s a statement of fact. It is what it is. It’s just this moment in time, and for this moment in time it’s 90 days. Tomorrow it’ll be 3 months. I can imagine some people saying (someone I’m thinking of in particular), you just did 90 days you can do another 90 days. Actually completely not how I view it. It can’t be how I view it. I don’t really want to do it. Just seems pointless and meaningless, and a waste of trying so hard. I’m not sure that it was worth it. I don’t know that it is worth it. I do know that I am doing it. Just for the moment. That the only way I’m doing it is by doing it just for the moment. For if it’s anything more than that it’s way too major.
I’ve been rambling and it doesn’t really connect to the reason at all, so I’m gonna stop here.
90 days. Today. Still unsure what that really means to me.
Of course, all thoughts appreciated.