Seventy Nine: One choice

I was reading this post:
It made me think.

One smile. One word. One deed. Can change someone’s life. One choice. One action. Can change a life. Yours. Mine. Someone else’s.

There’s been that ‘one’ for me. Probably many times. One action or one choice can change your life. It was 1.75 years ago. I was speaking to R who entered and exited my life. She hurt me a lot with that, but she was the cause of my one choice. She asked me to give life a go. I told her I couldn’t. She asked me to promise to try just for 6 weeks. After an hour I said I would. I would try. Not to mess up for just 6 weeks. At the end of the 6 weeks I made another choice. To give life a go. If I hadn’t made those choices I wouldn’t be here today.

I started this blog when I was again thinking of suicide. I’d been thinking of it as it was nearing the end of a year since I’d promised to try. I made a new choice (because of someone else’s words). To take away the deadlines there were in my head. The lines demarcating how long I’d try for. I know that had I not taken away the deadlines I would have given up. I wouldn’t have been able to cross over the deadline in my mind without messing up. Giving myself the option of choice every moment, it’s a little complicated to explain, but I gave myself the choice to choose whether to live every moment, rather than hanging on until a deadline. The choice is what kept me here…..

The day I stopped using painkillers. I made a choice. To try to live my life. Painkillers was just another thing in the list of things I’ve used to escape. The day I stopped I gave myself the option of living life. The option of living….. The option of living a life I want to live.

Choices. There have been many times I’ve had to choose. Every moment is a new choice. A choice to live in the real world, a choice to escape, a choice to be honest, a choice to help someone, a choice to hurt another, a choice to tune in to myself, a choice to cut off. Not always am I aware of the choices. Sometimes they’re really clouded over…… I face choices constantly. Every decision can be a turning or deciding factor in my life. In your life. Choices. Just one choice. For each one is significant.

What was that one choice for you?


2 thoughts on “Seventy Nine: One choice

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  1. Of the many choices I’ve made in my life the most important one was to live. When I was seventeen and in much pain in my young life I chose to end it all. I was disappointed when it didn’t take and felt forced to live my life. I don’t know why I didn’t try again, but I did think about it as I went on living. As I got older and looked back on the decision to end my life, I was so grateful that it didn’t work. I would have missed out on so much. I realized that living is both joy and pain and it’s something we just have to go through. Going through the pain makes me so grateful for whatever joy is to be found. I had tunnel vision because I was so young and thought the pain would go on forever, but it never does. Life is both good times and bad, and you learn to flow through all of it.

    1. Wow. Thank you for sharing this… I appreciate it. Life is constantly made up of choices. Every single one could be defining in so many ways. Makes it a little scary actually. I hope to one day appreciate the choices to live.

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