What do you answer when people ask you what your scars are from?
I came across this list here, I was laughing through it.
- Don’t worry about it. Because of me, they now have a warning label!
- Well, let me just tell you this: You should NEVER EVER, under ANY circumstances, go out with a guy/girl that you met on the internet.
- “It’s a long story.” They usually leave me alone, but this one guy said, “I’ve got time.” Then I said, “I fell. [long pause] Ok, so it’s obviously not THAT long.”
- I took my lizards for a walk and they held on for dear life.
- The neighborhood cat and I had a disagreement about the paw prints on my truck.
- I had unprotected sex with a porcupine.
- The police didn’t comply with the terrorists’ demands fast enough, so they took it out on us hostages.
- This first one is kind of lame, but it’s what I use most often: “Um, uh…I, uh….you see….I…uh…Well,….” At which they usually try to help me out by replying, “Did you fall?” And I say, “Yes, thanks.”
- I keep falling off of cliffs trying to catch that damned road runner.
- “I was oyster hunting.” They give me a blank stare. Then I say, with a wink, “You’ve obviously never been oyster hunting before.”
- I was at this party with Marilyn Manson and everyone was giving out hugs.
- I lost a fight with a can of tuna fish.
- I slipped while making a salad.
- I fell asleep, and the clown got me.
- I’ll just put it this way: when they tell you not to feed the bears, it’s for a damned good reason.
- I thought those security tags on pants just sprayed ink, but apparently they spray shards of broken glass, too.
- Those aren’t cuts, they’re mehndi (henna tattoos).
- Damn Cat.
- Well, when I was younger, I had this dream that a dog was following me…he ran, and I ran, but the faster I ran, the more he sped up. I wanted to get to safety, to my house…I was almost there…but right when I got to the front porch, he bit me. Everywhere. Lots of times. Making marks that don’t look like bites at all. And when I woke up… ::wide eyes:: and I had THESE.
- “What scars?” They usually reply “those ones,” to which I reply, “I don’t see anything.” OR you reply “What about the scars on YOUR arms??” to which they reply “There’s nothing on my arms”.. to which I reply again “Oh! How conveeeenient!” *whilst covering up scars* (they’re too confused to ask anymore questions)
- The voices told me to do it.
- I wrestle Tigers…
- I got them climbing a fence to escape this hell-hole. (said at school)
- “Oh, these?” *embarrassed face* “I know they look horrible, but the sex was INCREDIBLE!”
- “Oh my gosh, what happened to your arm?”
“Huh? My arm?”
“Right there! Those big huge scars!”
“What…?” *looks closely at arm* “OH MY GOD!!!!! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!?” *puzzled stare as you pretend to be in exquisite agony* “MY AAAAARRRM!!!!”
(This works real well if the scars are old)
- *Iit’s a paper cut”
- “I was working on my car”
- *points to random object* “It bit me”
- “I had an argument with a book, paper cuts hurt”
- “I had to dig out a huuuuuuuuge splinter”
- “I needed to know what blood smelled like and looked like for my story, and my little brother ran away and I tripped on the knife”
- “Mum always said never run with scissors”
- “It’s an old burn scar… got it of the edge of the iron”
- “That’s actually a weird-ass rash i got from ivy”
- “I’m a blade sharpness tester”
- “You know how dogs chase their tails? Well it has nothing to do with that. Nor does it have anything to do with cat scratches. Or the faeries that visit me nightly *ramble on*… What was I talking about?”
- “I’m not exactly sure but I think it might have something to do with the broken mirrors…”
- “You’re hallucinating” and when they say “sure…. let’s go see a counsellor” you can say “You’re the one who needs to see the shrink!!!”
- “My watch has itchy bits”
- “I had an accident with a scalpel.” [person asks why] “Well, you know that guy who woke up in an ice bath and his kidney was gone? Er… this had nothing to do with it. Honest.”
- I was walking into town and the aliens came down and started to battle with me. (I found this works as you find the people more interested in the aliens than the scars)
- I do not ‘SLIT MY WRISTS’. Those are my arms. And those are not slits… (so basically confuse them by arguing with everything they say)
- “…Are you conspiring against me? What’s with all the questions? Who wants to know the answers?” *and upon interrupting “I’m doing the talking here” and then continue to ramble until they back away.
- “…They’ll come and get you too. Run while you still can”
- “Never carry heavy boxes in formal clothing”
- “I caught it while gardening”
- “YOU did it, didn’t you?!?”
- “Well, funny story. So I keep all my kitchen knives on the top shelf in a box. One day I needed to use one, so I reached for the box and they all fell on me. And I tried to catch them and everything just went horribly wrong!”
- When someone asks what happened to your arm, just look excited and say “guess!” After everything they say, tell them “noooooo…..” Do this for like 20 minutes and hopefully they will get bored. At the very least this will buy you extra time to think up a better answer.
- “What happened to your….arm/leg etc”
“Huh?…*looks down*…..What the @#%$? For the love of god! Where the hell did those come from? Oh my motherf******…oh sweet…oh mother of…. oh my … whoa!..” (just continue flipping out like this until you run out of stuff to say…and then finish off with something like “I have no ******* clue” or look up accusingly “You!” and storm off)
- Well, this one time, at band camp….
- Don’t ever go running through the woods naked. *scratch some weird spot*
- To make a long story short, don’t mix cheese, cats, and bubbles together, not a good result…
- “I was reaching into a box of sharp-edged corn flakes to get the free toy.”
she kinda looked at me strangely so I said…
“THAT is why you always pour milk over your cereal!”
- Let’s just say that motorcycles, mini’s and alcohol don’t mix…. especially when there is barbed wire around…”
- T ell the truth while sounding ironic: “I cut myself because I’m insane, you know. In fact, I plan on killing myself sooner or later” If somebody asks why? – you’re just kidding.
- “Damn little sisters and their stupid voodoo dolls” (or if you have no siblings insert neighbors kids, jealous friends or just leave that part out)
- You can always say you were attacked be sock monkeys.
- Sleep walking is hazardous to my health
- I guess I should have closed the safety pins before I put them in my sweater pockets…..
- The evil rabid Satanic necrokitten of doom and death and pain and dying attacked me while I was skiing down the northern inverted necromountain in the deathly moon forest of pain and eternal suffering and sacrificial blood-beasts and necrogoat death skulls of insanity and… (ramble on like this for a bit… They usually walk away…)
- Never EVER sleep with you hands or feet outside the covers/bed….
- Damn lighter, I should’ve never let my friend use it if I would’ve known s/he would throw it back to me when they’re finished!
My excuse, which was on here, is to look bewildered and ask what they’re talking about, and when I look and see ‘oh, that old thing’ or ‘huh, where does that come from, oh no…’
What’s your excuse?