Last time I wrote this it was completely for myself to clarify what I was thinking – put it into some semblance of separation. My language on here recently really needs an upgrade! Whoops, I actually wrote elsewhere that I was going to close my laptop. I’ve closed that browser instead (there’s a tab I need to exit that I’m not ready to shut, so closing the window means it’ll come up when I open it – same as if I open the laptop, but it’s not open at the moment). I love how distractable I am! Not actually, I wouldn’t say I love it. I don’t mind it. Used to it, know it, and would miss myself if I wasn’t (actually, I had a friend who I used to talk to nightly, except that now I’m in bed when she’s free, anytime I’d say a random comment she’d get a kick of asking me how it came in – for it was never random. Nothing I say ever is random. It’s always connected. Even if there are 10 – 20, if you’re lucky just 5, different thoughts leading on from each other that ended up with that not so random anymore comment – that took me 5 minutes to explain how it came in). Although I do wish I were less disorganised, coz’ then maybe it wouldn’t be a miracle that my phone lasted 2 years before getting dropped on the road and the glass broken into smithereens by cars. Not smithereens, I just like the sound of that word. Smithereens. Although it’s too slippery a word really for my taste. Changed my mind. Don’t like it any longer. Oops, whatever. I forgot what I was trying to write.
So last time I wrote a list of questions I have for myself – for my own sake. Writing things down always helps me to make sense of it in my mind. Even though often enough looking back at what I wrote I’m surprised at the insight I had that I didn’t really realise until way later. This time I’m writing them knowing I’ll likely end up telling her to read this (so long as you don’t read this aloud that’s okay!).
So what she didn’t answer from last time – these weren’t all in bullet points
- What did she mean when she said she saw something fragile? As is what did she see that made her think that and use that word.
- Why does she think working with me would be a challenge?
- What other blog posts did she read? Does she know what my blog is really about?
- Something she said I want her to elaborate on (I couldn’t find anything even though I had Sir Google’s faithful – or in this case not so – help). That people who purge often feel constriction.
- Oh yeah, I want to know if she’s ever read the book The Journey.
- And what her views are on the world – how she thinks the world came to be, whether she believes in a higher power and why (no difference what she believes, it’s the why I’m interested in hearing about. Actually, make that really interested).
This isn’t from last week
- Disassociation – the first time I met her she asked me if I ever disassociate (which I answered depends how you define the word. Do I tune out/cut off – yeah. Disassociate, I don’t think so. Although some past things are actually really explained with stuff I’ve read up recently.) I asked her the second time we met why she asked me if I did (coz’ I don’t really think it’s a typical question to ask someone the first time you meet them). She said something along the lines of she sensed there was a part that wasn’t engaged. Question now is: How did she sense that? What was showing her that? (she was right. Although I only realised it the next time, not then, because of the difference in colours.) – This question actually goes back to the same question as why did she say she saw something fragile. See/say what you want. I just need to know how it’s seen. I need to know how I’m showing that. Or, as I wrote elsewhere, and I’m choosing to copy this here: I don’t mind her looking at me so long as I understand what she thinks and why. So long as I know what exactly I’m revealing to her, and how I’m showing it. Otherwise, she can’t look at me. Every time she asked me if I was okay with it I said yes, but I’m not okay with it if I don’t know what I’m giving away.
- She was saying that you have to say what you want to be able to get it, that maybe it’s not safe enough to (well, duh), I’m wondering, what would the usual be that she seems to expect differently?
This is just an answer. What I wanted to respond to and say.
- She thinks I’m scrutinising her. I’m not. I don’t ‘scrutinise’ people. I think I see those words as an implied criticism. If she wants to know if I am she should ask ‘are you scrutinising me’ to which she’ll get an answer, rather than tell me that she feels like I am. I do look at her. The expression she was referring to is my ‘I’m thinking’ expression. I AM hyper aware of her movements. The way she sits. The way she often doesn’t seem to sit still. Her body language. Although it doesn’t translate to anything to me. It’s just an awareness. But that I’m aware of regardless of if I’d be looking at her, or at myself. I’m assuming everyone would be. (would they??)
- She thinks I want her to jump through some hoops. I can’t remember what else she said along those lines, that I want to push her and whatever. My thoughts on that are ‘I wonder’. I’m not consciously trying to test her. I usually get the sense when I’m pushing someone away. I sense when I want to. I don’t get that sense here. So, I don’t know. I do know that I’m not intentionally doing that, or aware of it.
- She thinks some of the above what she was thinking was that there’s a guard there. To use her words. To use my words, that if I let anything show it’s a conscious choice that wouldn’t be easy to make. Well, yeah, of course. That’s kinda evident.
What I want to work through with a therapist
- For right now, maybe coz’ why not. I haven’t driven since I scratched someone’s car. How long ago was that? At least a month, I think longer. I don’t care so much that I scratched someones car. I’ve bashed the back of my dad’s car when reversing into a whatever those things are called that you can’t see out of the back window since they’re too low. I’m guessing more the shock factor and the guy wasn’t nice about it. I’ve driven for a moment since when with my dad. I probably will drive when I’m ready to.
- Organisation. I don’t mean external organisation for I’m pretty good at that. I generally find my coat and bag when I want it (when I’ve hung it where I want to, which is 90% of the time nowadays, maybe only 70, which is a heck of a lot better than the searching every single time I wanted a jacket or bag or anything which was always). My room is tidy. Which is major! It’s actually been pretty tidy for a while now. My drawers and cupboards have pretty much always been really organised. I can find what I’m looking for there. If it’s there. Why I’m thinking of this is coz’ of broken phones. I’m taking way too long to just get to the point! I think that if I’d be more organised I wouldn’t have dropped my phone on the road – twice (the first time I found it after the taxi driver called it for me, the second time a guy on a bike did, but by then it’d been driven over and smashed). I mean even in the way this post is written. Not that it matters. Also this has been edited – added to – so there’s different styles. I wonder if I’m the only one who can see when my writing is disjointed. When my head is flying. When I’m bored. When I’m having fun (any of the reasons for my writing to be completely unconnected to whatever I’m saying). I’m trying to decide if I want to be more organised in my head or not. When I’m not, then I do. When I’m holding all the balls then I couldn’t care. Like now when I’m bouncing up and down on my bed like a 5 year old but I’m focused I couldn’t care. I’m entertaining myself with this. Which is good.
- What I want long term, I think I wrote about it in the letter I wrote to myself – where I want to be in a years time. Letter to myself in a years time – 2020. Well, some of what I want anyways. I’ve long lists elsewhere. Though I wouldn’t know how to break them down into anything doable. Other things I actually have broken down. I wrote something for someone that maybe I’ll copy some point in time. The rest is for another time.
I’ve just entertained S by reading her the beginning of this post. I think that if I want to see what unfocused is I should read the reason post I wrote last night, or was it this morning, can’t remember any longer exactly when, yeah, this morning about my broken phone being a reason.
If I think of anything else to add to this list I’ll just add it later. I really hope I don’t get ill – feeling slightly under the weather and don’t want to be sick. Gosh it’s late. And I really have to book for next week. Not one hundred percent sure I want to go and a whole week in advance is really quite soon to book. I’ve now booked! An entire, um, 4 days, I worked that out by counting it on my fingers :) in advance. I wanted to wait until tomorrow night when often tickets have gone down. And had an entire fiasco with booking for September and trying to get the money back, and getting not all of it back (hoping the bank will help) the other day. Oh, so I booked it now for my mum wanted her ticket booked already and didn’t want to wait any longer. Now my substitute for 2 afternoons cancelled on me and I have to find a different sub. My line manager is away so I can’t even confirm with her who I find.
So long (or, so long as there’s life, there’s hope, ya’know).