One Hundred and Twenty Nine: When the darkness is lightened a tad

The world’s been looking like a really dark place to me recently. I’ll share what I wrote this morning depicting the darkness at the end of this post. Yet somehow it’s not as dark at the moment.

I know it’ll go back there. Or maybe, hopefully, it won’t. 129. The darkness. Sometimes it seems like you’re being sucked into a vortex, spiralling down the slope with no way up or out. Sometimes the world, in spite of that, looks just a but clearer. The moments when you realise – it makes sense to be exhausted which is going to impact the view. The moments you realise the last time you felt this way was …. long ago. The last time I felt this way was probably half a year ago. It’s been a constant struggle, but a struggle that’s worth it. Now it doesn’t seem worth it, but yet, yet maybe one day it will seem worth it. I can see the possibility of that. The world, at the moment, isn’t as dark as it was this morning. Will it continue lightening? Who knows. I doubt it. I doubt this will last. Yet for the moment I know that the darkness can, and will, always lift.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.


The darkness
It draws me in
Promising me
There’s no way out
I feel like
I’m stuck in a maze
The harder I try
To find a way out
The more I trap myself
It’s not that there’s
No way out
There is an exit
That I can’t find
That I’m walking
And further from
I feel like
However hard I will try
To get out
I’ll forever remain trapped
So maybe I should just give in
Surrender to it
Stop using all my energy
On impossibility
I miss AH (ex therapist)
I miss speaking, or not speaking, to him
I miss having him there
It’s my fault for wrecking it
I don’t blame myself
I didn’t have a choice
I just miss him
Wish he’d have kept his word
He told me he wouldn’t (leave)
That he’d stick through it
Through me pushing him away

He left.

I know that
There are people in this maze
With me
I can’t seem to find them
It seems that
If I do find them
Either those
Who would accompany me
Or those
Who could guide me
I’ll inevitably
Ruin it
Ensure they know
They’re better off without me
I’m tired
Of trying so hard
I’m tired
Of feeling so lost
I’m tired
Of feeling so alone
I’m tired
Of being trapped
I’m tired
Just tired
I want to just let
The darkness
Envelope me
Bring me into the night
And run my life for m
I also don’t
It’s 2 years, soon
Just a few days
Since I promised
To give life a go
I wonder how much
Of this
Has to do with that
The darkness
I’m so damn tired
Of feeling so stuck
Of meeting closed doors
Wherever I turn
Of all I do to help myself
Turning out to be
A waste of time and money
I know that
It can’t, won’t, always be
Yet now
I’m just tired of trying
Want to curl into a corner
For eternity
I know I don’t (want to), too
For else last night
When I was thinking so seriously
Of going back to self harming
Knowing messing up really would help
I would’ve done so
Would’ve given up
I wonder if I still believe
In the exit to this maze
I wonder if I still believe
That there is an exit
That there is any possibility
Of ever finding it
I don’t know
I don’t know what I think
I don’t know what I believe
I don’t know if
I’m the world’s biggest fool
To think it’ll ever get better
I know
I know
I’m not in the same part of the maze
As I used to be
I know I may be
Closer to the exit
That’s meaningless
For at the moment
I’m still lost
Still alone
Still trapped
Still surrounded just by darkness
So what does all that is different
(how I’m living my life now – differently
what I’ve learned – some of it)
Help any
If all there is now
Is darkness

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