One Hundred and Three: The meaning I attribute

I get to define my life. I get to choose what everything means. Everything that happens. Everything I do or don’t do. I get to choose what it means for me. I define it. No one and nothing else does.

So over the weekend I threw up the ice cream I ate. Twice. Intentionally (well, that part’s obvious). I get to choose what it means. I get to choose what it means. That’s not a mistaken repetition. So yeah, I threw up. No, I’m not happy about it. So yeah, I messed up. No, I’m not happy about it. It’s just a fact. A fact that I get to interpret however I want. I choose to let it remain a fact. Like the fact that at the moment I’m feeling really constricted because I want to throw up but don’t want to go down that route (throwing up three times in as many days isn’t the best idea for me). So what does it MEAN? It means absolutely nothing. Or absolutely everything. Depending on how you look at it.

Life happens. What happens isn’t always in my control. Usually isn’t. What I do often is and often isn’t in my hands. What meaning I attribute to it, how I interpret it, how I define myself, is completely based on me. It’s instinctual for me to say – I messed up, I’m a failure. Or, I messed up, I’ve already messed up, may as well do so more. Feel guilty. Make it worse. The usual way I define it is to make myself crazy about it. Yet, it doesn’t have to be that way. Anything happens, I feel guilty about it. I mean anything in life, regardless that it hasn’t anything to do with me. Anything that happens to anyone, I’ll find what to feel guilty about. Yet, I don’t have to. For, life’s definition depends upon me. For I get to define what it all means. I get to choose what anything means. And for that, I’m grateful. Grateful to be able to attribute whatever meaning I wish to anything. Well, conscious meanings anyways, for I don’t know (yet?) how to choose the subconscious definition.

So, reasons 103, for me, is the meaning I attribute to anything in life. The fact that it’s a choice. A choice for me to define what I want what is to mean.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

Eliza

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