It’s the start of an entirely new year. A year I get to choose. I have the choices to make. The responsibility is mine. Looking back I see how often I refused to take responsibility. I wouldn’t say refused as much as didn’t. Wasn’t aware that I could. Seeing it gives me the choice. To take responsibility for my life. To own what is mine. The choices that I make. The actions I take. The decisions. That are mine to own. I used to wish some fairy would just come in and wave their magic wand and take over my life for me. I don’t any longer. I’m grateful. Grateful that my life is mine to live. That my mistakes are mine to own. I don’t always see what I did. I don’t always realise what I’m going to do until later. I’m thinking of a month or so ago when I decided to go on a diet. When I was eating, however little it was. On the 3rd day of dieting I realised how insane it was. How quickly I led myself back to just not eating. How easy it was. To just go back to not eating. To fighting purging. I knew I had to stop dieting (took me another week to do that). I had a choice. To choose to diet. I didn’t realise how fast it would spiral. I theoretically knew but chose to ignore that voice that told me it was a bad idea and pretend to believe it wouldn’t be that way. I chose earlier. When stuck in it, it was harder to get out of it. When stuck in it, I didn’t have much choice. For the choice was earlier. The choice was, would be later. Sometimes the choice isn’t about the actions themselves, but what I’m going to do about it. The responsibility is mine. Was mine. And I’m grateful. Grateful that I get to own it. Grateful that I know it. Grateful for it all. However much I hate it and want to give up, I love and am grateful to be living and owning my own life.
Choice. Responsibility. Freedom.
I never thought this was the post I’d be writing. I planned on writing about the coming year. About my goals as I said I would in the last post of 2018. I guess I may still in another post. This is what this coming year is going to be about for me. Choice. Freedom. Responsibility. Owning what’s mine. Letting go of what isn’t.
2018. 2019. A new year.
So long as there’s life, there’s hope.
Here’s to a new year. A year in which I get to map my own life out. And own it.
What is this coming year going to be about for you?