I’m exhausted, tired and resentful. Really, just feeling so damn alone. As though there is no one in the world. No one who cares. No one who would be here. No one who is here. I guess this is the perfect time to write this post. It hurts to be alone. It hurts to know that there really isn’t anyone for me to reach out to. It hurts that I don’t know how to reach out, that when I try to, somehow it seems like when anyone else does there are people there for them but when I do there is no one.
The other day I was speaking to someone. I was telling him that there is no safety net and it worries me. He replied ‘okay, so what are we going to do about it’. I was gobsmacked. We? We? We? Who is the we??? He told me he was going to ask someone. He just, was trying to do for me what I can’t do for myself. Wants to help. Was asking what else he could do to help.
So yeah, I still feel so damn alone. I still know that I am alone. That there is no one I can ask to be here for me. That there is no one who really is here. That there is no one who really cares. Yet, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the people who have joined me on this journey. My dr just told me today that he doesn’t know what I should do. He doesn’t know that there is anything I can do. So yeah. I’m feeling alone. And that’s okay. Even if it’s only one person who cares to do anything, who cares to be there for me, I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the people who actually stay by me, even if I don’t know how to find them or who they even are.
I wish I could make this post more positive somehow. I don’t know how to.
I’m grateful for reason 105. People who join me on this journey. The ‘we’.
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