One Hundred and Five: People who join me on the journey

I’m exhausted, tired and resentful. Really, just feeling so damn alone. As though there is no one in the world. No one who cares. No one who would be here. No one who is here. I guess this is the perfect time to write this post. It hurts to be alone. It hurts to know that there really isn’t anyone for me to reach out to. It hurts that I don’t know how to reach out, that when I try to, somehow it seems like when anyone else does there are people there for them but when I do there is no one.

The other day I was speaking to someone. I was telling him that there is no safety net and it worries me. He replied ‘okay, so what are we going to do about it’. I was gobsmacked. We? We? We? Who is the we??? He told me he was going to ask someone. He just, was trying to do for me what I can’t do for myself. Wants to help. Was asking what else he could do to help.

So yeah, I still feel so damn alone. I still know that I am alone. That there is no one I can ask to be here for me. That there is no one who really is here. That there is no one who really cares. Yet, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the people who have joined me on this journey. My dr just told me today that he doesn’t know what I should do. He doesn’t know that there is anything I can do. So yeah. I’m feeling alone. And that’s okay. Even if it’s only one person who cares to do anything, who cares to be there for me, I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the people who actually stay by me, even if I don’t know how to find them or who they even are.

I wish I could make this post more positive somehow. I don’t know how to.

I’m grateful for reason 105. People who join me on this journey. The ‘we’.

Eliza

 

Would you like to post your reason to live? If yes, just drop me a line, either in the comments section or email me @ elizareasonstolive@gmail.com with a username and password. Or add yourself as a user for me to change you to a contributor.

3 thoughts on “One Hundred and Five: People who join me on the journey

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  1. I’m only just discovering your blog so I don’t know your story yet, but I admire what you’re doing with reasons to live. It’s a beautiful thing to do, yet hard because (at least this is true for me) I can find it really hard to think of reasons sometimes, that the reasons I have I talk myself out of and turn them around. I don’t know what it’s like to truly be totally alone because I have my parents, but it doesn’t stop me feeling like it; I don’t have my ‘own life’ particularly, I don’t have friends or colleagues or anyone who can help me out with putting up an Ikea shelf let alone being there when the going gets tough. I have started to count the blogging world in my thoughts, the wonderful people who comment or message, the comments I leave on other blogs to form a little connection, the compassion that there’s even if it’s online. I know this isn’t going to sound like much and you can totally choose not to, I won’t be offended, but you can always feel free to drop me an email if you ever wanted to chat about anything at all, to vent or just say hey or talk about important ‘stuff’. xx

    1. I appreciate the offer Caz. I don’t really email people for I tend to push them away and don’t know boundaries, and I’m tired of turning to people, trusting them, and then they disappear, even if it’s unintentionally, and primarily because I care about them even if I’m not really turning as such to them, it just hurts. At the moment it seems like everyone leaves regardless. Although I care a lot about the bloggers I come across, and count them as people too. Gosh, why’m I ranting on a reason post??
      I started my blog to make a public space for focusing on the reasons to live, rather than the reasons to kill myself. I can’t say I always find it easy to post reasons, but in reality, that’s when I need to most.
      Thanks for commenting :)

      1. “I don’t really email people for I tend to push them away and don’t know boundaries”. Sounds familiar.

        The only way to get through life, and to connect is to put yourself out there, and face the rejection that can come. I’m trying to recover from it constantly and I keep putting myself out there. Why do I do it? I’m…not sure. Maybe because deep down I know that other people do love me and this life is worth fighting for, no matter how many times I need to pick myself up and adjust my inner GPS.

        Finding people who can accommodate that is hard. People who get that stuff don’t just happen smoothly, and get that sometimes we have to figure stuff out..a lot, constantly.

        And even when you find those people, you question yourself, anytime something happens and in your head everything is falling apart all over again- is this worth it? You question your own worth, your question their sincerity. You question if you can trust them, if they truly do accept you and care for you with the whole package that that entails.

        Life you say Eliza..it’s a journey. One that doesn’t really have an ending. But you know what they say, that it’s more about the way than the destination.

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