One Hundred and Eighteen: I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me

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One Hundred and Eighteen. I hate you – don’t leave me. Book reviews anyone?

I just finished reading this book through up until the appendices. I’ll be honest, I skipped over a couple of paragraphs. I read the book in just over a day. And, I don’t really know what to write about it.

It’s given me a lot of clarity. I could identify with a lot – primarily Chapter 5 – Communicating with the Borderline, and Chapter 6 – Coping with the Borderline. I now understand my relationship with AH (ex-therapist) in an entirely new light. I’m sad about what happened. I’m sad I ended it. He ended it. I ended it. He ended it. I don’t blame myself for what happened as I had no other way of getting the safety. I’m just sad. Still. 4 months later. It’s okay. I’m allowed to be sad about it. I’m trying to realise that it’s okay even though it’s not okay. I loved the book. I identified with a lot. Some parts were so not me. Some parts were completely me. All of it was good reading.

Thank you J for bringing it to my attention and sharing the book with me. I’m grateful I read the book. I’m grateful to understand a lot more than I did what happened with AH, and why. To see how much he gave to me. To understand what he could’ve done differently – he asked me to decide whether to continue with him. I never said no, but, there was no way for it not to end. I’m looking back at a lot of situations that occurred. And was – am – in awe of how he actually dealt with them correctly. The times I put him in complete no win situations, where whatever he would have said or done would have been wrong, yet somehow he found a way around them.

I understand now why whenever there was any break at all – a missed week – even if it was instigated by me, a week or two after that I always told him I didn’t want to continue. I see how although he always took responsibility for getting it back on track – when I wasn’t in touch with him he was always in touch with me – it was what I needed. I understand the ‘object constancy’ if I’m using the word correctly, that he gave to me, and why it took away the stability when it wasn’t exactly the same time it always was, and why the messing up of therapy so completely upended the sense of stability I had of the world.

I see how he was right about so much. etc etc etc. I could go on about all I see. It’s interesting to me, for the primary place I could recognise it all was the therapy relationship. It’s never played out anywhere else. Not that I could think of. The psych I saw asked me about frustration with others. I don’t get angry with people. Although I realised when I was talking to the psych that when I’m having a discussion I’ll really often feel attacked, get defensive, end it, and I’m often told by my family that what I’ve said is hurtful.

Added note. I loved the chapter on therapy. It explained for me the difference between DBT, MBT, TFP, Schema therapy and what most people call Talk Therapy. It was – is – really helpful for me to know the difference and know which one I’d choose, and why.

I’m not sure why I’ve been rambling.

118. I hate you – don’t leave me.

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I’m grateful to have read the book. If you haven’t read it I definitely recommend it.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope


4 thoughts on “One Hundred and Eighteen: I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me

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  1. hey eliza,
    i’ve just begun reading. reading is a struggle for me and i will do my best. i’m especially curious now since my latest (of so many) diagnoses is not BPD. maybe i fit 4 of the criteria and 70% of each of 2. But then, i think in the intro of this book it appears to explain why i have been having so much difficulty finding new therapy. its kinda like a whole bunch of therapists are telling me, “thanks but no thanks” to the experience of trying to theropize a BPDer with the issues i have been presenting (and knowing i’ve recently had an unhappy separation from my previous help). honestly, who would want to walk into that trap? i already made these potential new therapists feel helpless before they could start. that should be a learning experience for me. dont tell them everything right away if i ever am looking for help again! looking forward to more reading!

  2. Nice write up, Eliza. If you ever have any more questions about BPD (or any of the other stuff I deal with), you know where to find me…

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