On edge

On edge.
Slowly moving closer and closer to the edge
The longer it goes on
Without a way
To calm myself down
To calm myself down

Everything is temporary
Distraction
Movies, books, chatting here
It helps for the moment
Yet still
On edge
I’m scared
Of what that edge looks like
Scared
What’ll happen if I get to the line
Scared
Coz I know I don’t know
Where the line is
My experience is
I always think I’m still before the line
Until long after I’ve crossed it
I don’t know
If I know how to keep myself safe
I don’t know
If I even should care
In a way
I just want to mess up now
Be over and done with it
As
It’ll happen
It’ll happen at some point
May as well
Have it happen now
Deal with the ramifications now
I know it isn’t so
For until I’ve messed up
I haven’t
For the moment
In the moment
I’m still on the safe side
For the moment
In the moment
I’m okay
Just
On edge
Not handling well
At all
No clue how to handle
At all
No clue what safety means
No clue what life is meant to look like
No clue
Of anything at all
And no one to tell me
Either
So
I’m on edge
I want to reach
A calmer, more stable, ground
I want to feel safe within myself
I want to know I’ll stay okay regardless
I don’t know
I don’t know what will be
All I ever have
Is the moment
For the moment
I’m not messing up
For the moment
I’m extremely on edge
Have been for a long while
Have no clue how to calm down
For it isn’t anything specific
It’s everything
And nothing
It’s living life, just being
A life that isn’t what I need
A life that isn’t what I want
A life that often feels like such a drag
A life that often feels like it’s too much
A life without the intensity I want, nay, need
A life without the numbing out I’m used to
A life without tuning out
A life living in the world, but only kinda
It’s nothing
And everything
Bringing me closer and closer
To the edge
I’ve no clue how to bring myself
To safer, more stable, ground
And that’s okay
For at this moment
I don’t know
And at this moment
I’m living in only this
Moment

I'd love to hear your thoughts

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