Nothing changes if nothing changes

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I just woke up and am still in bed as I write this. So I’m not sure how coherent this will be…

I’ve been messing up slightly for the past couple of months. Probably after about 4 or more months without messing up – with anything.

Spent a week throwing up. As in really. After everything I ate. I wasn’t surprised considering all that was going on at the time. It was the lesser of all evils style. And I was aware of what I was doing. It brought the film back. Between me and the world. I’d lived for a few months in the world. And realized that the world is vibrant. It pulsates with life. That I had never experienced. It was intense. Kinda too intense but I also loved it. I lost it after that week (I wrote this at the end of the week when I decided to stop Instead of the colours there was a thick unbridgeable wall between me and the world. Which slowly disintegrated the more I just lived in it – the world.

A couple of weeks ago I used codeine. Not much, and I stopped. And in the last couple of days threw up and used codeine again. Again nothing much. It’s all nothing. They’re all the lesser of the evils, and not real messing up (not self harming or using cocodamol). But still, I don’t like it, coz’ inevitably it has to go further. Besides, it places a distance between me and the world. Sigh. I feel like I’ve written all of this so often… I’m desperate for that distance, for the world really is too much for me, yet I want to live in the world, a world of beauty. Really, I just want to be okay living in the world. I don’t want just living to be registering on my radar as too much (

Just living in the world. What does it register as for me? I think if you go into a packed disco club, disco lights flashing, packed with people, and are sitting next to the band. That’s what living in the world everyday is like. What being present is like. And yeah, it gets to be too much. After years, an entire life (well, I’m only 23), spent living in my own world, I really do love living in the world. I’m not surprised that I always lived in my own world now. For I see how intense a world that isn’t vibrating on the highest intensity is – I’m not fully present, have never yet been. I wonder what the world really is like. I wonder if I’ll ever live without escaping long enough to see just how bright the colours can be (how loud the noises are too, and for that token, how peaceful the stillness is. I can only really be mindful of beauty when I can tune into it, and when I’ve been messing up, I can’t fully tune in). So I want both. To put the film there and to take it away ( I rather not put it there at all. In the long term. At the moments in time, it doesn’t seem worth it not to, for I need the escape, but what I want doesn’t always help. So yeah, I haven’t been messing up much. But more than enough. For even this puts distance between me and the world. A distance that I need and hate at the same time.

I want to change it.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

What can I do to change it?

One thing I decided to go back to doing (have to try and remember) is writing a list of what I’m grateful for each evening, and re-reading it in the morning. I know that won’t really make a difference – won’t make living in the world more okay than it is – but it’s something I’d like to do either way. I don’t know what has to change. I just know that either I have to do something differently, although there isn’t anything I can really do, or change/add something. Not sure yet what. Although, the little things do count. And even though I may not see it at the time, eventually they add up to form something.

I’d love your thoughts…

So long,


6 thoughts on “Nothing changes if nothing changes

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  1. All of the spiritual seekers are trying to do just that, to ‘let go’ of the intrusions of this world to find that beauty inside.
    It is there but this world is designed to ask us to face those inner problems for one reason only, to understand that we are beautiful enough, loving enough to dare those steps to find that truth inside, no longer bound by the lies this world shows us. As we grow up we are unintentionally (because it is all they know) given the fears of our parents and we spend the rest of our lives trying to break free.
    And we can, as hard as it is sometimes, and find that peace and solitude inside…simply because we finally understand our fears, and in doing so they lose their power over us…and set us free. And in doing so we finally see what we have hidden inside because of that pain from our parents.
    As children we don’t know how to deal with that pain so we do the one thing we can…block it, hide it deep and never look at it until it is brought back up into our faces. But that has purpose, so that eventually we will face it, understand what it is, and then let it go. And because of what we have had to endure we will then appreciate what it has taken to break free of those painful things.
    Have faith dear lady, it is a journey for us all because behind it all is a realisation that we are lovable, we are beautiful and in doing it we will also do the one thing that this world has kept at bay…we will love ourselves, no longer holding it at bay because of all those fears and negativities we held against ourselves.
    In the meantime, it is a beautiful magic to just find a spot in nature and rest. Nature doesn’t intrude, no expectations whatsoever…like a puppy dog, they look into your eyes with lots of love, wag their tails and just want to play ?

    1. Thanks for the insights Mark.
      I love nature. It’s so peaceful and calm.
      I find that facing, understanding, makes it possible to eventually then let go.
      Love, light and glitter

  2. The things you do to cope, huh? I took codeine once, in a prescription. To my twelve-year-old mind, it was unimaginably powerful. I only can guess the effect it must have on you.

    Some days are better that are others, naturally, but the overall trajectory is in the right direction, no? 2018 has its issues, yet it’s a far sight better than was 2018.

    Think of the progress we (your readers and you) will help each other make.

  3. You’re quite right
    Nothing changes if nothing changes
    I could not agree more
    Yet those times you find to be thankful are helping I am certain
    Even if only in increments still that is some which is better than none
    We all grow change and adapt even if we don’t see it
    Though the biggest changes come when we are open to them
    Heart and mind
    Both are necessary
    When you want to you will
    Only then
    Not before
    Change is hard
    We often
    Well most always fall back
    Yet it can take time
    Or come with an epiphany
    And you alter your course dramatically
    You’re right this world is vibrant
    Ever so
    Feeling it and experiencing it
    Is overwhelming
    Even when it’s bad its good

    I understand all too well the want to be a part of the world yet wanting to be away from it.

    1. Wow KJ.
      Thank you so much for taking the time to really respond.
      Being grateful definitely helps, although sometimes it’s so hard to think of anything I’m grateful for.
      You’re right about change. I’ve seen the changes slowly there, minor and major (meaning they’re minor changes but they are major even though they’re so small), even though I’ve not actually done much other than be open to it.
      I’d love an epiphany!
      Yes, even when it’s bad, it’s good. I’m seeing it now. I’ve been freaking out a lot, yet really it’s because of good changes that I’m so on edge. I just hope I stay okay through it.
      Thanks for passing by. I’m touch…..
      Love, light and glitter

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