Meeting a therapist – how’d you know?

I’m not sure whether it’s a good idea or bad idea to post this. I wrote it as I wanted advice about how you know whether a therapist is good or not. I still do want thoughts and advice. Ended up ranting instead. Or not letting myself really rant as this isn’t the space for it. Argh. Confuzzling myself. Just posting it and hope I don’t regret it.

I met a therapist for the first time today. I mean that today was the first time I was meeting her. I don’t know what I think. I don’t know if I want to know what I think. I don’t know what I feel about it. Well, I never or rarely ever know what I feel either way, so nothing new there. There’s just, a lot. There’s this big mass of everythingness to add to all the nothings that I haven’t been tuning into at all recently. I can’t tune into it even if I want to. For as I wrote in one of my last reason posts, every time I’ve begun to journal to let myself journal, I tune out. I’m tired of tuning out. I rather stay present with a distracted version of too much. lol, for this staying present is probably the same as the cut off version when tuned in. I don’t know. I actually really don’t, though it’s also a cop out too. It was interesting. I spoke way more than I ever thought I would. I don’t mind that I did. Found it interesting to see that. The rest wasn’t. She said a couple of things that I tried to look up and didn’t find any information on. And I want to scream. And mostly right now I just want to cut off from it all. My head’s hurting.

How’d you know if a therapist is any good? How’d you know if it’s right or wrong to continue with them? How do you know if there’s a point? Why did I ever think it’d be a good idea to find a therapist anyways? Why do I even think it’d be helpful? Who said it’d be more helpful than working it through on my own (yeah, I know I’m not really handling at the moment, let’s ignore that for now). Just, argh. Double argh. Triple argh. I want to scream. I just, I don’t want to write what I really think.

And I emailed someone now and I shouldn’t have. Because every minute that she doesn’t reply, which I know means that she hasn’t seen the message or had time to reply, means that she is never going to respond. R’ R hasn’t replied. I asked him a week ago (a week and 2 days), if he could record something for me about life – I gave some specific questions to answer. He said ok but not for a few days. I’m not sure how long a few days is. And I knew it wasn’t fair to ask him to give me that time as it was. I knew it would take time to think of how to answer and record it. I just thought that he would actually do it….

It’s been a long day. And I want to sleep and am scared of going to sleep. I only get scared of going to sleep when I’m afraid of the space before sleep, the time of being. So much for practising mindfulness today. Why did I ever think doing an MBSR course would help??? (side note, it does/has been helpful! Even just for this post.)

So long as there’s life, there’s hope. Keeping my signature line for this post. I should remind myself of it. There’s always hope. Even if and though at the moment I hate myself lots, hate being here, feeling really vulnerable, lost and alone, and hate that I still want to destroy myself. Or some me does anyways.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

Eliza

27 thoughts on “Meeting a therapist – how’d you know?

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  1. Eliza you have some great support and advice here, please hear them?

    Shir offers the most practical re therapy … it’s a huge step and if you weren’t scared, doubtful, distressed it wouldn’t be real. There is much you need to share and self-help can only go so far. Main thing is to have a close friend who you trust for support between therapy sessions.

    No matter what their qualification unless there is a good heart connection and they are able to follow your jumbled thoughts … that will settle as you develop a trust relationship. And have that good laugh at silly things, best way to stay sane.

    You can do it and it’s the right step, take courage, be strong … we love you!

  2. Hi Eliza! You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers.
    I think you should be able to know after 1-3 sessions if it’s a good match.
    Here’s some questions you can ask yourself:

    1. Do I feel safe with this person?
    2. Do I feel comfortable with this person?
    3. Do we get along? Are we able to go easily back and forth conversation, etc?
    4. Is she getting my thought process? Is she feeling the way my mind is flowing or does she keep going on the completely wrong train of thought?

    I think you should also let her know about your feelings, you feeling nervous, feeling like it’s not going to work, wanting to have a plan and a goal.

    Sit down and write down what you want to get out of therapy. Ask her how she is going to do it, and what methods she is trained in. Make a game plan together.

    I’ve been to bad therapy and I’ve been to good therapy.
    I’ve been to good people who didn’t get me and weren’t a good match, but nonetheless were good therapists.

    I think another telling thing for if you get along is if you can share a laugh over something. I’ve currently been in therapy since last May and it’s been great! We hit it off on the first session.

    Let me know how it goes!

    1. It was interesting to see how much I thought about AH. So many things she said just reminded me of him so strongly. The things he’s said. The way I reacted in the same way to them both…. etc Though I do want to write other posts but not sure if it comes in.
      Thanks.. I actually wrote a long list – the points on it were why I don’t want therapy, why I do want therapy, what a therapist needs to know and some other relevant stuff to bear in mind. I didn’t show it to her for it didn’t come in to. Though she understood how I’d need therapy to be structured, what I’d need from a therapist. She knows 2 of the reasons I decided to do it anyways – one of them I’ll have to bring up again. She heard a lot. Way too much. Despite the fact that talking isn’t safe…
      I don’t know what will be. I guess I’ll see if she texts me a time for another appointment I’ll see then….
      And I wonder if you’ll get this or not (do replies to comments through emails get sent to people??)

  3. Seeing the therapist was a good idea Eliza – tell them what is on your mind and don’t hold back and stay in touch with us here in the blogging world – there are others here to help keep you afloat. The Winter doldrums are settling in for many of us now – the holidays are over (not for me, it is just me, no family … so holidays were writing in my blog about holiday things), but the reality of weeks and weeks with no time off, snow, dark in the morning, dark at night -sunless days – the occasional singing bird. We need light and something to remind us that brighter days, both weather wise and otherwise, are on the way. Keep that tagline and make it your mantra Eliza: “So long as there’s life, there’s hope.”

    1. Thanks Linda!
      I’ve a few mantras. My past ones used to be ‘Go as long as you can, then take another step’. And ‘Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the full staircase’. Another I just saw that resonates for now is ‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step’.
      I’m trying to decide what to do about writing what I think about therapy etc. For it kinda doesn’t come into this blog. For this blog is meant to be reasons to live.
      Love and light

      1. Those are all good mantras and inspiring – we need more inspiration to put one foot ahead of the next sometimes – sometimes the world spins too fast, everyone is in a hurry, no time to stop and enjoy the little things … we have to slow down and just BREATHE. I think things are going to get worse, not better – with the internet, people want everything now – their news, their e-mails, their entertainment … where is the house on fire all the time. Everyone relax and just take one step at a time. Your attitude is 100% on the mark Eliza.
        So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

  4. Hi,
    I’m sorry you’re not in a great spot right now. I turn to DBT distress tolerance skills when my SUDS spikes like it seems yours is doing. I also wanted to remind you that what you’re feeling now will pass. I forget that sometimes when I’m way over in emotion mind and it sometimes helps to be reminded of that fact. If you need to get anything else out, I’m here. And, of course, self-care… I was practically living in the bathtub for several days this time last week. You got this.

    1. What are SUDS? (yeah I should probably know).
      I’m calmer now. Planned on writing another post but will see. She asked me before I left what I was going to do to take care of myself emotionally. I had no idea what she was on about. Though now I do know.

      1. SUDS is subjective units of distress. It’s just a number, from 0 to 100, the expresses your level of distress. 0=no distress at all, completely calm and r er relaxed. 50=moderate distress, negative emotions manageable with some effort. 100=maximum distress, the most upset you have ever been in your life. I think it originated with DBT.

        1. lol it should continue to 1000….
          So many things theoretically are nothing, but in reality I just don’t know how to handle them.

          1. Careful. Telling yourself these things are nothing but that you don’t know how to handle them sounds like you’re invalidating yourself a bit. If they’re causing you distress, they are not ‘nothing’. If they’re a problem for you, they’re a problem, regardless of whether you think they ‘should’ (hate that word) be or not. And I apologize if I’m coming off a bit preachy… I’m steeped in DBT at the moment because of my IOP.

            1. Cool! Nah, not preachy. I don’t mean that it’s ‘nothing’ but that if I look at it logically I see how it’s my issue. Like when I can be really upset about something or let’s say with someone when logically I know they aren’t wrong, but yet I’m hurt (and understand why).
              How’s the IOP going?

              1. The IOP is going well, thanks for asking. This is my fourth time in treatment for my ED and it’s noticeably different from the previous go arounds in that we are given a lot more latitude in what and how we eat. Overall, I like it. I’ve been feeling much better lately. I quit cigarettes over a week ago and coffee a day or two before that. So, I’ve been taking 0 mood/mind altering substances of late and am quite pleased about it. I honestly think that, if I bust my ass at this IOP, that this will be the last time I need this higher level of care. I’m actually believing I have a good shot of staying away from heroin in the long term as well (though, I’m being careful to not become complacent).

                1. Yay you!
                  You can always go back for a couple of days if you find you need extra support (I mean before messing up).
                  I’ve been enjoying reading ‘goodbye ed, hello me’. Not sure why you’re reminding me of that.
                  You will get there! I honestly believe you have a shot at not using any substances, or anything at all – even just behaviours. Not that it’ll be easy, but that I think you can do it.

    1. Thanks for reading and answering…. I appreciate it.
      The question then is how you know if someone is right for you…

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