I’m not sure whether it’s a good idea or bad idea to post this. I wrote it as I wanted advice about how you know whether a therapist is good or not. I still do want thoughts and advice. Ended up ranting instead. Or not letting myself really rant as this isn’t the space for it. Argh. Confuzzling myself. Just posting it and hope I don’t regret it.
I met a therapist for the first time today. I mean that today was the first time I was meeting her. I don’t know what I think. I don’t know if I want to know what I think. I don’t know what I feel about it. Well, I never or rarely ever know what I feel either way, so nothing new there. There’s just, a lot. There’s this big mass of everythingness to add to all the nothings that I haven’t been tuning into at all recently. I can’t tune into it even if I want to. For as I wrote in one of my last reason posts, every time I’ve begun to journal to let myself journal, I tune out. I’m tired of tuning out. I rather stay present with a distracted version of too much. lol, for this staying present is probably the same as the cut off version when tuned in. I don’t know. I actually really don’t, though it’s also a cop out too. It was interesting. I spoke way more than I ever thought I would. I don’t mind that I did. Found it interesting to see that. The rest wasn’t. She said a couple of things that I tried to look up and didn’t find any information on. And I want to scream. And mostly right now I just want to cut off from it all. My head’s hurting.
How’d you know if a therapist is any good? How’d you know if it’s right or wrong to continue with them? How do you know if there’s a point? Why did I ever think it’d be a good idea to find a therapist anyways? Why do I even think it’d be helpful? Who said it’d be more helpful than working it through on my own (yeah, I know I’m not really handling at the moment, let’s ignore that for now). Just, argh. Double argh. Triple argh. I want to scream. I just, I don’t want to write what I really think.
And I emailed someone now and I shouldn’t have. Because every minute that she doesn’t reply, which I know means that she hasn’t seen the message or had time to reply, means that she is never going to respond. R’ R hasn’t replied. I asked him a week ago (a week and 2 days), if he could record something for me about life – I gave some specific questions to answer. He said ok but not for a few days. I’m not sure how long a few days is. And I knew it wasn’t fair to ask him to give me that time as it was. I knew it would take time to think of how to answer and record it. I just thought that he would actually do it….
It’s been a long day. And I want to sleep and am scared of going to sleep. I only get scared of going to sleep when I’m afraid of the space before sleep, the time of being. So much for practising mindfulness today. Why did I ever think doing an MBSR course would help??? (side note, it does/has been helpful! Even just for this post.)
So long as there’s life, there’s hope. Keeping my signature line for this post. I should remind myself of it. There’s always hope. Even if and though at the moment I hate myself lots, hate being here, feeling really vulnerable, lost and alone, and hate that I still want to destroy myself. Or some me does anyways.
So long as there’s life, there’s hope.