It’s the start of a new year. Coming, approaching, the start of the Jewish new year. A day you’re celebrating despite not knowing what you believe. Choosing to keep to for A, you may one day believe, B, it’s the Jewish New Year irrespective of whether Judaism is or isn’t true.
What does it (RH) mean?
It means whatever you want it to mean. It’s the start of a new year. A time to supposedly think about who you are and what you want from life – which you have absolutely no clue about. A time. A time that means whatever you want it to mean. A time to commit to life. A time to recommit to doing your part and following any suggestions you are given. A time to commit to learning. Learning who god is. I know you’ve spent the last year doing just that, and, you’ve learned a really lot. Enough that you actually speak to god and want a relationship with god. You’ve worked through it enough that you’re ready to do the rest of the work you’ll need to do. It’s a time, a time to commit to doing your part. A time to be honest. A time to love. A time to be.
It’s an overwhelming time. Actually nothing to do with Rosh Hashanah, but it’s an overwhelming time for you, and it’ll be RH on top of that. It’s an overwhelming time because everything is too much and you don’t know how to handle it and all you can do it hang on and wait for it to pass whilst you work through some of it, let some of it be and put some of it on hold. It’s an overwhelming time for you don’t know how to deal with life when it is too much without messing up, and yet, that is what you’re doing – dealing (or not dealing) with life without messing up. It’s overwhelming for you aren’t used to living in the world. It’s overwhelming for there is so much going on in your life right now.
- Dealing with AH (therapist) leaving and the major part you played in that.
- GR home, the influence she is, the conversations you’ve had with her that were enlightening about past struggles, keeping boundaries and failing at keeping them.
- Work – when you really don’t have the headspace. Teaching, preparing and being there.
- GS being Missing In Action. A person you turn to who can’t be there for you at the moment.
- GS2 being there and the constant struggle it is to keep a healthy balance, let her be there, let her in, without crossing any of her boundaries, letting yourself share somewhat, whilst keeping yourself safe and not wrecking it.
- Psych appointment – the waiting for the letter from him so that you can figure out what next with Dr L and R’ R – a letter that hasn’t yet come.
- BM needing you when you don’t have energy or headspace for her, and some of it IS your responsibility.
- Letting go of some of the responsibility for N. A responsibility you need to let go of entirely. A responsibility that should never have been yours but has been since you were 3 years old. Trying to let go, detach from at least some of it without guilt.
- M struggling so much which hurts for her.
- The dynamics at home which aren’t healthy, which are a learning game for you.
Life is overwhelming at the moment. Most of what is going on, pretty much all, is not in your hands. The only thing you can do is let it be. Work through what you can (like re N). Let the rest be whilst you struggle often to breathe through it with no real way to calm yourself down or bring yourself back to the present. Learning. Learning how to do that. How to move on. How to let it be. How to distract. How to be present. How to ground yourself.
On top of that it’s nearly Rosh Hashanah. A day your family will be in shul (synagogue). 2 days. When your mother will come into your room without asking. It’s your responsibility to buy a new lock E. You’re the only one who can give yourself the space that you need. Days you won’t be able to journal or colour or write or blog or distract yourself online, reach out, or do most the things that help you to stay centred, that help you to handle reality,
It’s days that will be tough because of all the meaning it holds. Because you want it to mean so much more than it does. Because you want to know what you believe about Judaism whilst knowing it’s not something you’re ready to work through. Days your father will want your participation in discussion you won’t have the headspace for and will have to be polite. It’s days that will be overwhelming. Days you will likely eat too much (which is okay) and which you’ll struggle not to purge over (which is also okay). 2 days. When you can read books. When you can do puzzles. Which you can spend with your family or giving yourself alone time and space. Practice breathing. Print out the grounding exercises for example 5-4-3-2-1) that you won’t remember when you need it. It’s a couple of days that will be overwhelming. It’s a couple of days that will pass.
Everything in life is a learning game. This too. It will be nice to see HS. It’ll be nice to spend time with R and her kids.
Life means what you want it to mean.
Just breathe. You are okay. You will be okay. Remember, when it isn’t okay, it also is okay. You’ve gotten through life until here, you’ll get through it from here.
Love the life you live. Live a life you love. If not today, one day. Enjoy finishing the book God According to God. Which I’m assuming you’ll finish over RH. It’s actually fitting to finish all Gerald Schroeder’s books on the day (The Science of God, The Hidden Face of God, Genesis and the Big Bang). Of crowning god king.
Talk to god. I know you do. Make time to. Let yourself. Say whatever you want. You’re part of the world whether you like it or not. There’s an infinite power always there letting the world be. If it were perfect no one would seek the Infinite. There’d be no need to. The world is a partnership. Whatever relationship you have is defined by you coz Infinity is always there, it’s up to you to tune into it.
You’re worth it E.
Happy New Year – whatever it means to you.