LTM: 24th February ’18

I haven’t written to myself in a while. I don’t feel the need to in the same way. Not sure if I should try and continue writing to myself nightly, or stop with it.

What do you think? – about whether I should continue with this nightly or not for now?

For tonight I’m writing to myself.

Dear Eliza,

Hiya :) The purpose of letters to yourself have always been to tell you that you’re worth it, that you deserve to be okay, that you will be okay and that I’m with you. And a way to process the day or whatever you need to process. The purpose now is slightly different. I’m not really sure what it is, together we’ll find it.

You don’t need me to focus on how much you deserve to be okay. It’s not that it’s not relevant anymore. For it is relevant. You don’t believe you deserve it. But it’s more that, it’s okay. So you don’t believe you deserve it. And yeah I’ll continue telling you how much I believe you do, but the need to hear it isn’t the same. Maybe because you aren’t really cting or focusing your life on how much you don’t. Wrong words yet again. I hate that you struggle to put your thoughts into words even when it’s just for you….. sorry for interrupting ;). It’s that the need to destroy yourself because you don’t deserve it isn’t what is running your life at the moment. A lot of what you’ve messed up with has been about destroying yourself because you don’t deserve it. Now messing up can be from guilt, but it’s more about the escape too, rather than about trying to rid yourself of yourself. Repetition yet again…. oh well.

So what do I want to tell you today? I’m actually not really sure. You’ve journaled it through and thinking more about things that are bothering you when you’re clear on what it is, won’t really help.

You’re hurt with AH. He was wrong. A lot of what he did, okay all of it, was and is just being human. But humans have to apologize when they’re wrong. He hasn’t apologized. You’re hurt about a lot more than that. He doesn’t know most of what you’re hurt about. But it’s not relevant unless he apologizes for what he does know, for what he was wrong about. And he doesn’t know most of it. He can only apologize and acknowledge what he does know. What you pointed out to him.  I don’t see him apologizing. I have to believe that it’s possible that he might just. If he doesn’t apologize Eliza, it is his issue, not yours. It is him not manning up or accepting his faults not yours. It’s him not accepting that he was wrong, not yours. I know you can’t express it to him. Or tell him what he’s done wrong. There are some things he knows. It’s what he knows that he has to apologize for. Not for what he doesn’t. And you can’t expect him to. For he never has. And yes Eliza, you’re right in believing he is wrong not to have. Yes he’s been human and made mistakes. You’ve sometimes pointed it out to him. He has never apologized. Rarely acknowledged when you were hurt. Which is his issue. Not yours. Eliza, there’s no way he can apologize for what he doesn’t know. And for what you were primarily hurt about, that doesn’t actually need an apology. I know that you know it and are okay with it. I also know why you’ve never been able to explain to him what you were hurt about. For you’ve known – correctly as he’s proven you – that he won’t listen to you. That he’ll listen to what he wants to hear. That he’ll question what he wants to. That even when you tell him what to focus on, when you tell him the message you want him to get, he’ll listen to the words, not to the message. He won’t respond correctly. Even when you tell him not to respond at all as you know he won’t, he won’t listen to you. You were right about it. You didn’t want to test him with it as you didn’t want him to fail. You were right not to. For he’s proven you repeatedly that he doesn’t listen to your message but to the words alone. That is when he actually listens to the words. Usually he misses half the words too. Even when you tell him what to hear. Even when you try again to explain it. And yet again. He doesn’t listen. It’s not your issue Eliza…….. your issue is when you don’t explain what you mean (almost always). Your issue is when you don’t bother trying to. Your issue is when you expect the impossible. When you do explain it. When you do put it into words and give the message first and then the picture how and he chooses to focus on the pieces even when you ask him not to, but to try and hear what you want to say. When he does’t try to, when he hasn’t tried to, that’s his issue Eliza, not yours.

Not sure what this ramble is for Eliza. You know it all. And as I said, repeating it won’t help at all. It’s about moving on Eliza. You can only move on. Tell yourself what you need to hear. Do what you did the other night which was cool. Speak a letter aloud, kind of. Yup it is cool. That you can say a letter instead of writing it.

Just breathe. Hold on. Believe in hope, in possibility, in your dreams. Face your fears, and do it anyways, or because you’re afraid. Not all the actions you take will help. Some will fail you abysmally. You’re usually right about what you expect to happen. The worst is that the worst case scenario happens and you live through it. Be it making a fool of yourself. Be in being ignored when you try speak. Be it hurting yourself or others. Some will help. Like telling someone what you want to regardless of what they may think. Some you don’t know what will happen. And it’s all okay. You can only do your part…… Which means asking for what you want when it’s the right thing to. Which means living in the real world. Which means accepting what you want without necessarily acting on it. Which means being okay with people having hurt you. Face your fears ;). The worst is the worst case scenario happens. Luv ya Eliza. You’re special. Even when you don’t believe it. Trust yourself. Trust what you believe and know. You’re right about it. You’re intuitive. You look at people and sense what is going on with them. I know that is actually something you don’t appreciate. You’re right about what you sense. You’re right about what you pick up. You’re right about the pieces you put together. Don’t second guess yourself all the time. And it’s okay if you don’t like all that you do. It’s okay if you don’t like the way you’re acting around others, or yourself. Some things will change themselves. And some things, if they don’t, one day you can change them.

Luv ya. I’m with you always. I can’t tell you that anyone will be. And that’s okay. You can handle it. You are handling it. You are okay. Regardless of anything that may ever go on around you, you are okay.

Eliza

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