This is a random post I feel like I shouldn’t write on a reasons blog yet I’d love some feedback if that’s possible.
Those of you who’ve been following my blog know that I ended/wrecked therapy with AH half a year ago (letter-to-therapist rambling about/to ah AH-again). I’m now looking for a therapist and I’m not at all sure what to look for. I’ve come across a few profiles of maybe’s. Reached out to some people who aren’t relevant. I’m wondering what to look for. If I should initially email or call these people. How many people I should reach out to at once. And the main thing I’m wondering at the moment is, does a therapist have to have experience with attachment. I had a relationship with AH that was constantly on the rocks. . I’m looking for a therapist who’ll be able to handle the intensity I take everything with. Who’ll always remain un-involved with what I experience yet understand it. Who will be able to handle what I’d put any person I build a relationship with through, yet stand through it, objectively, and help me react without wrecking it. The ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’ paradox of most relationships (the contradiction inherent in all of life).
And then I know I’m not in the same place I was when I met AH. So do I even need or want a therapist? When I began seeing AH I wasn’t eating, soon after I was OD’ing daily, self harming, etc. At this point asides for buying things and the struggle not to throw up ever, I’m not messing up my life. I’m living my life. Just living it. Do I need therapy? What do I even want from therapy? And then comes the fact that the last few nights I’ve been crying myself to sleep. With no clue as to what’s going on that’s causing that. But then I’m actually crying…… so maybe I’m dealing by crying. Oh I don’t know!
So I’m looking for a therapist. And I’m not sure what to look for. The main thing I’m wondering is if this person needs to be experienced/trained in attachment. Especially as I do NOT want therapy to be all about the relationship as it was in the past. I want it to be um, I don’t know what I want to do be.
I’d really appreciate any thoughts/guidance… Thanks!