Living in my head. No one ever asked me if it’s a place I want to live. If they ever asked, the answer would be an unequivocal no.
6.30am. Not that early. Except that I have been up since at least 4. Unable to sleep. Ended up thinking. Some of what I have realised is enlightening. More than that though, it’s scary.
I know now why I wanted to end therapy recently. Because he did/didn’t do something minor. It scares me how much the relationship means to me. More than that it scares me how fragile it is. How something that logically was probably the safer option for him (out of A and B. There could’ve been option C I guess) was enough to have me question the purpose of therapy – without knowing why I was doing that. Yeah, it’s all about the relationship.
I don’t think I was really aware how close to the edge I am living. I don’t mean regarding self harm. I guess I am thinking of that because I have a disposable razor in my hand – not to use. It wouldn’t accomplish anything. I’m not sure why I am holding it. I have a hell of a lot of painkillers at hand. Not to use, mind you. Just to have. For the security of having it. I never realised just how crazy that is. I don’t feel like I have enough. I wonder if any amount would be enough. In a way I feel invincible. Supposedly the amounts I used daily for at least a week should’ve been fatal, could’ve been fatal daily. But to me it seems that it can’t be. And I want to test what more than that a day for a couple of weeks would do. I actually am curious too. It’s not like I will do it. I don’t have enough for that and my plan doesn’t include the option of what if I live through that – what happens then? I really don’t have any intention of acting on it or playing it out. I only want to have the means to – which I don’t yet. And haven’t been getting more either in the past few weeks. When I am not in an okay place I would be collecting. Being that I am not doing that, it must be okay. Sigh. I don’t know what I think. I am okay at the moment. I’m not just saying that. I really am okay. Just, closer to the edge than I realized. And for the first time I care about that enough to be safe enough to acknowledge it. I guess that makes it a good sign that I am aware of it. That I want to live enough that I don’t want to be standing so near. Thanks, but no thanks. I think I rather remain with blissful ignorance. I live in my own world always. I’m beginning to step out of my own world and live within the real world. Stop cutting off as much. I never intentionally cut off. Doing it less. Also maybe a good thing. Thanks, but no thanks. Maybe I should change the post title to thanks but no thanks. Or journal blog entry. I didn’t realize how much I would write.
7am. I should get up now. Have a shower, start the day early, rather than let my head wonder. I’m not sure if I want to realize anything else. However enlightening it may be. I don’t really know what to do with the knowledge. Okay, so now what? Nothing that I know or can do. And Yeah, ignorance is bliss. Even if it’d lead to suicide. Which it wouldn’t. I’m not rereading this for I definitely won’t post it if I do. Shower time.
Good morning world!