I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself

I’m rescheduling/reblogging what I wrote because, it’s applicable today. I wish I had the words.

A 16 year old girl in my community committed suicide the other day. I wish I could have spoken to her. I’m not sure if I’d know what to tell her. I’m not sure that there’s anything to say.

Dear ____ . Scrap the dear.

Hi.

If you’re reading this I’m guessing you’re suicidal. Have thought, are thinking of, suicide as a viable option. I know that place. Where the only option is to end your life in order to end the pain. It isn’t about ending your life I know. It’s about stopping the world. Getting off from a world you didn’t ask to be part of. Maybe that’s just how I see it. The train moving way too fast on the tracks, the tracks ending at a cliff, the train is going to hurtle down the cliff and you’re going to be shattered to pieces at the bottom. Or you can just get off the train of life.

I don’t even know what to say. For everything is so trite. Everything is so false and meaningless. If there’s one thing I do wish I could do, it would be to come and hold your hand. To stay with you. I’d want you to know that you aren’t alone. That whatever is going on for you, you don’t have to do this alone. There are people out there who care so much about you, yup, even though they don’t know you, have never met you and may never meet you. People who would want to let you into their world. Who’d be happy to let you into their hearts. It’s strange for me to write this for it’s something I need to hear too.

What I wish you could know with all certainty, is that you are worth it. That you are special. That you are beautiful. Just because you are. Just because you exist. You are. Therefore you’re awesome. I know it’s hard to see or believe that at the moment. That it doesn’t make a difference if it’s true or not. Just know that I believe in you. That I trust you. That I know you have way more strength and beauty than you can ever imagine. If you’re able to feel such pain, it says something about you. It tells me just how far your love can go. Just how amazing you are.

I used to quote things all the time. Things like ‘Go as long as you can, then take another step’. Like ‘faith is taking the first step even if you can’t see the full staircase’. Things like ‘I’ve endured this discomfort before and survived it, and so I can survive it today.
I’ve felt these feelings before and sat with them, and so I can sit with them today.
I’ve felt like giving in before and held onto hope, and so I can continue to hold on today.
I made it through yesterday, and so, I can also make it through today.
I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it. I am strong and I am capable. I will not give up.’

One of the main reasons I held on was because I knew that I didn’t know what could be. Because if I’d end it, that’s the only option – ending it. Whereas if I’d hold onto life, I would always still have the option of ending it. By continuing to live, I can still always choose to die. Whereas once I’ve ended it, I’ve taken all choice away. Another big factor for me was the saying that goes along the lines of hold on because you never know who may one day say because of you, I held on. Although life wasn’t worth it for my own sake, for others, it is. Because even when I can’t see the beauty in my own world, in myself, I know that others are beautiful. Do you know that others are worth it? Is it worth giving life a chance for another day so that someone else will live?

As I said, I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any words. All I see is the pain. I wish I could come and sit with you. Be with you. Just know that, I’m thinking of you. I care. Even if that makes absolutely no sense at all. For I don’t know you and never will know you unless you say hello to me. Yet I care. I believe in you. I believe in the beauty of your world. I believe that when all the pieces are shattered, you get to choose your own life, you get to choose how to rebuild. I believe in your reasons. In your reasons to end it. In your reasons to live. I know that you’re worth it. I know that no matter what your internal or external world looks like you are someone so special and worth it to know.

I’m sad. I’m sad that you’re sad. I’m sad that the world is sad. I’m sad that I can’t actually come and sit with you right now. I’m sad.

Eliza

42 thoughts on “I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself

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  1. Wow girl. You get it. None of those stupid platitudes, “Suicide is the coward’s way out,” “Suicide is the most selfish thing you could do,” Suicide doesn’t just affect you, you hurt all those you love and who love you.”

    Normal people don’t know the courage it takes to decide that NOW is the time to end your life. Suicidal people are not cowards.

    Suicidal people truly believe that the world is better without them in it. They are saving their families the pain of having a useless person to burden them. They’re altruistic, they are the opposite of selfish.

    Suicidal people love others but do not believe anyone loves them. They believe either that no one will notice that they’re gone or they will breath a sigh of relief.

    We know these feelings are distorted truth because they have no clue how much they mean to the people around them. Hang on today because you hung on yesterday! Maybe you’re the one someone is waiting for or depending on. Sitting with a depressed person and just being silent with them is a powerful message. Get your word out!

    1. Thanks Rebecca. You’re right. Although it’s not so black and white. They definitely don’t see it’s distorted. I often laugh at my logic – when I’m able to see how illogically logical I’m being. When what I’m saying makes so much nonsensical sense.

      Suicide is and isn’t courageous. Because it takes way more courage to actually live in the world no matter how tough it is than to give up. Ending it is one choice. One act. That will give you no more choices (which is for me in a sense a reason to live), whereas living means constantly living through it, constantly choosing life over death, choosing the hard choices over the easy ones, working through all the impossibilities, beliefs, feelings, actions, that led you there. I still think it’s way easier to just end it than live through it. I think it may be worth living through it and getting to another side, but it’s definitely not easy.

      They definitely believe the world is better without them. I still believe it.

      One thing I often think, re selfish, is that whatever happens it’s selfish. Either the person who kills themselves is selfish – ending their own pain and transferring their pain and guilt onto those around them, who will hate themselves, blame themselves, feel guilty and be way more inclined to end their own lives. Or the person who they stay for is selfish. Because of those who they don’t want to hurt, they have to live. Which is selfish of those who don’t want to be hurt, so want the other to live through the pain.

      I don’t know why I’m rambling so much :( I really appreciated your comment and that you’ve taken the time to really respond. And your understanding. How much you really understood it. I wrote this in January when someone in my community had committed suicide. It’s what I wish I could’ve told her beforehand. The main thing I wished is that she knew she wasn’t alone. Which ultimately, she was. We all are.

      Love, light and glitter

  2. I am blown away by this letter. What an incredible way of thinking… to pull yourself through because then at least you are keeping your choices open, and in particular, to know that you may be helping somebody else. I am very lucky to have never been suicidal – but I have had mental health issues which left me with very low self-esteem. I remember the little things that made me feel so much better were when, for example, a (far-away) friend told me I had helped her through a difficult time (supporting her when she was grieving for her father), so just the things that showed me that I did matter to other people, that just ‘being’ who I was, helped and so could help again.
    You truly are awesome! Please keep writing and keep remembering everything you have written. You’ve made me cry. You are a strong and incredible soul xxx

    1. Thank you Eilidh. This is really thoughtful of you…… giving to others is definitely a help. Thanks for passing by….
      Love, light and glitter

  3. Your words are so accepting and out-reaching that I want to reach out to you for ‘being there’ for anyone who needs someone to feel their pain and care. Although I’ve never been suicidal, I have thought a lot about suicide ‘in the abstract’ and tried to put myself in the head of a suicidal person, but I would be at a loss for the words (and the experience behind them) to relate to such a person as you do.

    1. Thanks MM, that’s such a thoughtful and nice thing of you to say. I really appreciate it….

      I know for myself that not all my friends would be able to understand (I never shared the suicidality with them at the time, I did share some other stuff), yet the fact that they’d care would mean a lot to me. Everyone who you’re there for would appreciate that you’re there for/with them, even if you can’t understand it.

      Thanks for taking the time to comment…

      Love, light and glitter

  4. Eliza you wrote from your heart and this is so beautiful and powerful ….. your heart and kindness are worth bottling! So glad this is on your blog because you will need to refer to it when you get down. Everything you say to this young girl is right about you and me and everyone else … suicide is final, life does offer opportunities <3

    1. ha ha, I’ve already reread it over and over. It’s giving me an idea for something I really want to set up (that I wanted to set up before I did this site), one day. Maybe.

      What time is it by you????

            1. Yeah I realised it was sunny and hot when you said it was 9pm. I’m grateful I’m not in the US…
              Hope you had a good evening… Happy weekend! Love and light

                    1. Kinda yeah and no.
                      This therapist I’m seeing is private. I have put in a referral through to the NHS – which I’m been through before, was a complete waste of time then, will see what is now, if it’s a waste of time or not. There are good people and bad both in and out of the NHS. I know though that where I live there is very little offered in the NHS so by the time this referral goes through will see (and then there’s usually a year to 2 years waiting time for anything other than CBT also).

                    2. I’m going away and not sure if I’ll be on for the next week (:) just don’t worry if I’m not on is what I’m saying)
                      *hugcoupon
                      Love and light…..
                      E

  5. That is sad and heart-wrenching Eliza – we have so many young kids committing suicide – cyber bullying is what is deemed to be the evil … not as many friends as their peers is another one. How very sad at such an early age.

  6. In Brooklyn, Eliza, we believe in chicken soup, preferably with matzo balls, and chocolate: chocolate in any form. Gladly sending you a tureen of hot soup and a barrel of chocolate. TS

    1. Thanks! Can I have klik malt balls? I’d love soup but rather not as then I’ll feel guilty if I eat the chocolate straight after.
      Have a happy day
      Love and light…

  7. Thank you, Eliza. My first attempt was at age 6, when I jumped off a moving bus. I am now 76, and obviously, survived all attempts. I would have liked to have someone say this to me, those many years ago. I’m pretty sure I would have wept, but I was weeping alone – and that is a great difference. In my 60’s, I spent several years as a listener on Samaritans. Having a person listen and care is HUGE. Your listening is beautiful. I am sad that you know how it feels. I am glad you are here. TS

    1. Thank you. For reading. For taking the time to reply. Today I’m sad. It’s thrown me a really lot. Sad for her. Sad for her family. Sad for us all. Jealous she isn’t here. Grateful I am. Et al.
      I’m glad you’re here. And really, I just wish, that even if she would have still chosen to end her life, I could have given her this letter first. Let her know that she isn’t alone. Today, is today.

      1. Yes, Eliza, yes. Today is today: where I live, we are in an arctic chill – on the cusp of February, I begin to think of the green that is coming. Each today has room for mourning – this day perhaps more than some others.
        I know that Eliza is close; close but not closed. Tears in my eyes glisten with light. Today. TS

        1. Thank you.
          You know, I never really knew how much mere words someone writes to another random blogger can mean. I guess now I know. Thanks. You’ve really helped.
          Love and light.

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