I’m not sure why I’m sharing this here. Was writing to myself now as have been freaking for hours and had to find a way to calm down. I should really get back to writing to myself more. It helps.
I know it’s all too much at the moment. I love you. Just wanted to tell you that. And that I’m with you always. I know you don’t, can’t, believe that it’s worth it to try, or that you’re worth trying for, but it is worth it, for one day you may believe differently. Until then I’ll believe it for you. For you are worth it. However much you can’t see it. It won’t always be so hard. Yes, I know that there is no reason for it to be different when it never has been, but one day it might just be.
I don’t know what to tell you about self harming. Is it worth doing something that you haven’t done in ages (okay, maybe a month) just because now it seems like a good idea? I know you can’t think of any reasons why not. I know that nothing makes a difference right now. I also know that this will pass. And self harming will, always has, sent you spiraling more. The spiral isn’t worth it. I promise. Especially not now, when you’ve planned how much painkillers you’ll use a day when – maybe only if – you go back to using. It isn’t worth doing anything that will take you closer to the cliff edge. You’re worth the chance. I promise you. I know you don’t believe it. You don’t need to. I believe it for you. It’s okay. I love you. Whatever you end up doing, you are worth it. Whatever you do, you deserve to be okay. And always will deserve it. You can do this. I’m proud of you. Love you. Always.