Letter to myself: 4th March ’18

I haven’t written to myself in a long while. Maybe I should do so now. Not exactly sure what I want to hear, but will see.

Dear Eliza

Just breathe. In and out. Properly breathe. Calm down. You’re okay Eliza.

You really are. Even if you’re confused. Even if the world seems like a dark mess that you want out of. Even if you don’t know how to make sense of the world, your life, your place in the world, others places in the world, and your life. Eliza, d’you realize, you wonder how to make sense of others in your life. You never used to wonder that. For that is engaging with the world. You just wanted out and anything in the world was irrelevant. You really are doing okay. You’re living life. You’re mostly okay with it. You aren’t messing up at all. Yeah, you may be confused. You’d love to just give up. And some things aren’t being handled well, like work and visiting people. Which you just don’t have the head space for. And it’s okay. You’re okay.

Let yourself cry Eliza. It’s okay to cry. It’s healthy to. Though yeah it is ironic that the first and only thing you’ve cried about in years – not sure how many as I can’t recall the last time you’ve cried – is AH. That you can care so much about him that you’ve been crying every time you engage with him. It’s okay. I love you Eliza. If the world give up on you, and it looks like all the world are giving up on you, you don’t need to give up on yourself. You can believe in yourself. You can always believe in yourself. I believe in you. You can believe in yourself. You will get there Eliza. You really will. I don’t know anymore where the ‘there’ is. I don’t know where you should be aiming. I don’t know what is possible. I don’t know what you want. I love you Eliza. I love you.

Eliza, you are worth it. I promise you Eliza, you are worth it. You are worth people caring about you. You are worth caring about yourself. You are worthy of living in the world. You are worthy of being okay. You deserve to be okay. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to live a life beyond your wildest dreams.

I’m sorry you’re hurting so much Eliza. Eliza, don’t give power to people. They aren’t worth it. AH isn’t worth it. He doesn’t deserve your tears. And he can’t prove to you that you don’t deserve people to stay with you. Even if you succeed in pushing him away. And yes he’s hurt you. In ways he has no way to fathom and that you don’t have the ability to put into words. And, it’s okay. You are okay. You deserve love. Most of all you deserve to love yourself. You deserve to care about yourself.

No one can ever be there for you. No one will ever be there for you in the way you need. And that’s okay. For you don’t need others. I don’t know Eliza, I don’t know how others are meant to factor into your life. I don’t know what space you’re meant to give them. For everyone you ever tried to let in showed you that they won’t be there, that they can’t handle you, that you shouldn’t have believed in them. I don’t know Eliza, I don’t know what part people are meant to play. I do know that you don’t need anyone. That no one has ever been there when you’ve needed them. And that’s okay. For I guess you can’t ever rely on people. You can be there for yourself Eliza. No one ever is 100% trustworthy. You can be there Eliza. You can give yourself what you need. You can believe in yourself. You can stay with yourself.

You have that choice always Eliza. To give up on yourself and life, or to believe in yourself and trust that you can do it and that you are worth it of getting there, wherever that elusive there is. You can give yourself the chance. Or you can give up on life, on trying, on keeping on. It’s your choice Eliza. Your choice always. Not a choice anyone else can ever make for you.

You aren’t guilty for existing. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that. I don’t know what it takes to get you to really know that. You’re okay Eliza. I love you. Don’t run from that. You deserve to be loved. You aren’t guilty Eliza, ever. It doesn’t matter what does or doesn’t happen. It doesn’t matter how much you do or don’t mess up. You’re always okay. And you’re always worthy and life, of love, of laughter and joy, and of being okay. No one can ever take that okayness away from you.

Believe in yourself Eliza,
Believe that you can do it.
Believe that there is a ‘there’.
Believe that one day the world will make sense to you.
Believe that the film that covers the world (puts distance between you and the world) will eventually melt.
Believe that you’ll be able to make sense of the world.
Believe that you have a place in the world.
Believe that you’ll find that place.
Believe that you are worthy of love.
Believe that you deserve to love yourself.
Believe that you are okay.
Believe that you can give yourself whatever you need.
Believe that you don’t have to mess up to be okay. That you don’t have to escape.
Believe that you can live in the world and be okay with it.
Believe that one day you’ll know what you feel, when you feel it.
Believe that one day you’ll talk the same language as those around you.
Believe that one day you’ll be able to express yourself to people in a way that they can understand.
Believe that you don’t have to push everyone away.
Believe that it’s possible to stay (um, it isn’t).
Believe that you can make a difference.
Believe that you are worth the chance.
Believe in that chance. In the choices you have (to live life).

You can do it Eliza
You are doing it Eliza
You will do it Eliza
I believe in you Eliza
One day you’ll believe in yourself.
I love you Eliza.
One day you’ll love yourself
I promise you, one day it’ll be different.
You can be there for that day.
You are worth it Eliza

You can and will get there.
It won’t always hurt this much.
And I know, it hurts this much when there is still the film covering the world, what will be when there isn’t that distance? You’ll get the tools Eliza. You’ll learn how to handle the world. You’ll find your place in the world. You will get there. I promise you. So long as you don’t give up on yourself and life you can get there. It’s your choice. To continue living life.
I love you Eliza
I’m with you.
Always and forever.


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