Going to write to myself now – kinda early. My head is a mess and maybe this’ll help.
Just breathe. You’ve got this girl. You really do. You can do this. Where do I start? Start at the end, maybe?? :) Eliza, it’s okay to be tired. It’s normal.
It’s okay to want to mess up. It’s okay to want to mess up enough that you’ll end up ending it. It’s okay to want it to stop. Whatever you think or want, it’s okay. Whatever you do, kinda also, that’s okay. Or rather, I think it’s not that whatever you do is okay, it’s that regardless of anything, you are okay. For you’ll always be okay regardless of anything going on. And yeah, at the moment that’s what you want. To mess up enough that you’ll end it. Yeah, life is tiring. Living is hard. And even though it’s so much calmer now than it was, you just want it to stop. For if this is what you’re living for, than what for? Eliza, I love you. And, I don’t think this is what you’re living for. I don’t think this is what it’ll always be. I think there is meaning. I think you’ll find the meaning. I think you’re worthy of living life. I think you’ll get to a place of believing that you deserve it. I know you’re scared. Of everything. The known, the unknown, the familiar, the unfamiliar. and it’s okay. You’re okay. Just breathe and tune into this part of you. The part of you that believes it’s worth it. The part of you that wants to live. The part of you that believes that there’s meaning and purpose to it all. The part of you that knows you’ll get to a place of living a life you love. I know it’s only hope at this point. Hope in belief. Hope in something you don’t really know exists. Hope in a seemingly untenable dream. But hope is okay. You are okay. And hope can be there. Faith is taking the first step even if you can’t see the full staircase. I don’t really know what lies at the top of the staircase. You don’t know what lies there. You can’t know. You can know that you can get to the top. You can know that the journey is worth the journey. For even if Eliza, even if you get there and decide it wasn’t worth it, you can always throw in the towel then, you didn’t give up then, you gave it a chance. It’s not worth throwing it away when it could be that there’s something so much better there. And if it isn’t, so what, so you held on and it wasn’t worth it. Nothing lost. Just holding on. Yeah it’s hard. So you’ll have done something hard, but you won’t actually have lost anything.
Eliza, I love you. I hope that the same as you believe you can face anything, you’ll one day really love yourself. You can do it. You can get there. I believe in you. I’m with you. You’re worth it Eliza. You really are. And Eliza, you can give to yourself whatever you need. Nothing happens if you fail ever. The worst is that you fall flat on your face, and get back up. Just don’t jump off the cliff. That’s the only thing that can never be changed. Just breathe. Just breathe through whatever is or isn’t. Just decide what you want to decide. Just do even if you don’t know if you want it, for you think it’s the best option you have at the moment. The worst is the choice you made is horrendous. The worst is you hate every moment of the next week. So? It’ll pass. Nothing lasts forever. You can do this. You are doing this. You’ve done it until now and can do it from now.
Luv ya Eliza.