I don’t know if I’m really going to try and write to myself or not. I guess it doesn’t harm to and I can always just discard the post if I can’t. Now that I actually wrote it I’m not sure what I think. I don’t really know what I wrote or if I want to know. I’m tired and have no way of going to sleep for it seems like it’s going to spiral the moment I let it, so I guess we’ll find out what will be.
I don’t really know what to say to you. I don’t know how to reach you. I don’t know what to do to make it okay.
It’s been a year. Without using cocodamol. I think that’s a good thing. You don’t see the point in it. You don’t see the point in trying so hard when all there is, is emptiness and blankness. The void that remains that’s impossible to fill. Remember E, to believe. Believe in what? Maybe in those who have done it before you. The people who say there’s a reason.
Everyone has left. And you want to reach out to a couple of people and you can’t because you know they won’t be there and you’ll be more hurt when they aren’t there so it’s better for you to just cut off from them. Oh E. I don’t even know what to say about that. For I think it’s true. And yet I think I know that it’s hurting you. I think I wonder if maybe that’s faulty logic. And I know that you can’t handle being hurt more. I know you can’t handle them not being there. I know R has shown you he’s not there. He didn’t do what he said he would. And considering you were asking for a reason. I wonder if he didn’t understand what you wanted him to record. I wonder if he would have done it if he’d known what you wanted. Yet E I know that even if he didn’t realise how important it was, he said he’d do it and he didn’t. You can’t blame yourself for that. Even if you weren’t clear on exactly what you wanted. It’s not your fault if he didn’t respond. If he said he would and didn’t. It’s not your fault if he doesn’t respond. Is it worth you reaching out when he’s let you down? I don’t know. I don’t know if you’ve the ability to handle his rejection. Actually, I do know, I know you can do anything you set your mind to do.
S. You want to speak to S. And I think you should. I know you should. I know that you want to share with her about how you kept your boundaries when your mother crossed them, how you did it respectfully and persistently, how you explained when she asked so that she actually told you herself she could see why it wasn’t okay. S would appreciate it. And know how big a deal it is that you did that. Without screaming. Without lashing out. Respectfully – I think respectfully even if your mother doesn’t think so, you were respectful. I know why you don’t want to speak to S. Because you heard her hesitation when you spoke to her. You’ve spoken to her often recently and are scared of being too much. Maybe discuss that with her too? Tell her what you’re afraid of. You won’t cross her boundaries E for she can keep her own. Will she let you down? I don’t know. It could be she will. It could be she won’t. You won’t know unless you try.
I know your world seems like a mess. I don’t know what to do to fix it.
E. You’re not empty. You’re not nothing. You’re not worthless. Those Russian dolls you keep comparing yourself to. The dolls where you open each one and at the end when you open the last, smallest, you see there’s nothing inside. You’re not them. You’re not a doll. You’re a person. You’re not metal or plastic. You’re a being. You’re not empty. Yeah you’ve walls. Plenty of walls. Walls that it seems like when you take one down you just erect another. Behind those walls, behind those layers, you’re scared. Scared that you’ll see that there’s nothing there. Scared of the worthlessness. I know you’re worth it though E. I know there’s something there. I know that behind it all is a person of beauty, strength, courage and persistence. I know that you’re gorgeous E. I know that you’re special. I know that you’re worth it. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want from life. I don’t know how to help you get what you want from life. I don’t know how to help you know what you want from life. I do know that you’re worth it. I do know that you will get there. I do know that you’ll find your way. Find a way. I do know that you’re persistent. I do know that you’re courageous. I do know that you’re loyal. I know that there’s an inner beauty that you can’t see and that it doesn’t matter if you can’t see for I’ll see it for you and believe in it for you.
I know you’re tired E. I know you’re fighting so hard and don’t know what happens when you let go. I wonder. I wonder what happens when you let go. I wonder. We’ll find out E, won’t we? We’ll find out – together. It may mean, as you fear, that you’ll mess up. That as soon as you acknowledge just how much you want to destroy yourself from the inside out you’ll act on it. And it may mean that you’ll be able to face the fear and let it go. It may mean that you’ll know how much you want, need, to destroy yourself, and instead of taking it to mean your body and soul, you’ll destroy the parts of you that believe you need to destroy yourself. Of you’ll destroy those thoughts, not the parts. It may mean that you’ll let it go. It may mean anything.
Though E, letting yourself know what’s going on, facing it, is way better than hiding from it. I know you don’t have the energy to handle it. I can’t tell you that I’ve the energy for you for I don’t. I do know that if you don’t let it be it has control. It has control and you’ve no awareness of what the ‘it’ is. When you want to lite a fire and burn yourself you don’t know if it’s the need for escape – which you can fill in other ways – if it’s the destruction – which you can listen to and calm down – if it’s anxiety – which you can handle – if it’s fear – which you can let be. You don’t know. You just don’t know. And if you keep on hiding, you’ll never know. Instead of it giving you strength, it’ll take your strength away. It’ll live your life for you. Just more walls, and more and more. The walls that you hate. The distance that you can’t bridge. The reality that isn’t yours. AH was right about that. About the distance. He saw, knew, how distant from the world you were. He knew how much you wanted to connect. Others have seen the distance too. I don’t know how to bridge that distance E. For it isn’t safe for me to bridge it. I do know that hiding from what you believe just builds more and more distance and makes it harder and harder to ever see anything real.
I love you E. You’re worth it. You’re precious. You are not guilty. You deserve to live. You deserve to live a life you love. You deserve to love a life you live. You deserve to be present. E, you will be present, you know. One day you really will be present and you will be okay. I don’t know how. I do know you’ll do it. I don’t know how, but I know that I’ll be with you. I don’t know how, but, and, I’m looking forward to finding out. I’m looking forward to looking back and knowing that you’re one of the most awesome people I’ve ever met. You are the most awesome person. Maybe one day you’ll even let me know you and be with you. Maybe one day you’ll let me help you feel safe. I love you E. Always and forever.
Always and forever,
Ps, however much distance there is between you and the world, between you and me, I’ll always be with you and look after you. I’ll always love you. And, I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you for getting to a year without using cocodamol. I’m proud of you for not actually lighting any candles yet. I’m proud of you for not self harming. I’m proud of the days you stopped throwing up. I’m proud of you for letting yourself try. For being. For existing, however hard and worthless and meaningless it all seems to be. I love you E. I’m with you E. I’m proud of you E. Always, and forever.