Letter to myself: 25th January ’18

I’m not really sure what to say. I’m not sure what I need to hear. Well, we’ll try. The royal we. Me, myself and I. Sometimes I feel like I live with that. The me, myself and I. I don’t know what I need to hear, I just know that I need some grounding, some sense of safety, and, I’m the only person who can give it to myself.

Hi Eliza,

It’s me again. Completely unsure what to say. Well, as always, the purpose of writing this is to tell you that you’re worth it, and deserve it, everything else extraneous. As always, that’s the first, second, third and last thing. For it’s the only essential thing you really need to know. Which I guess I hope by repeating it so often, I guess I hope that you’ll come to believe it, to really know it, for it’ll change your life, make it so much easier. I love you Eliza, and I’m with you. I guess how much you need to hear that means you’re feeling alone at present. Well, you are alone, and I don’t know how to change that. I don’t know how to make it possible for you to turn to others at the moment. To actually say what you want to say. Which you never actually do. Eliza, it’s okay that you push people away. And, it’s okay to want them there. One thing you’ve taught me Eliza, is that the only person who can fill the gap is yourself. And that once you have everything else isn’t necessary. For if you believe you’re worth it, you’ll believe others believe that. If you believe you deserve to be cared about, you’ll be able to accept that people can care about you. If you believe you’re lovable, you’ll believe that others can love you. Believe is the wrong word. If you know. And Eliza, you will know it. I don’t know when, I just know it’s gonna happen.

I’d tell you to hold on. I don’t think you really need to hear that at this moment. For, you are holding on. And, I guess you do know that it’ll pass, although it doesn’t seem possible. I don’t know what lies behind. I don’t know if I want to know. But I know that we – the royal we of me, myself and I – will face it, can face it. If you don’t know who you are, you can form whoever you want to be. The world is your oyster.

I can’t write anything else to you at the moment, for, you’ve cut off, and I hate talking to walls. Okay, not walls….. You’re not alone Eliza. You’ve always got your best friend by your side – yourself. You’re worth it. I promise you that you are. You’ll always be worth it. Love you….

Eliza

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