I’ve been writing to myself still – in my journal. Just haven’t posted them here as, they don’t say anything. But I’m writing here now as rather write on here at the moment than journal.
I wish I could come and clear all the darkness, all the pain. I wish I could make it different.
Eliza, you’ve taken away the clouds that were hazing everything over. You’ve been living life, without escaping. Without using anything. At all. To escape or control. And yeah Eliza, it’s hard. For the haze clears. The clouds begin to drift away. You’re beginning to live in the real world. Live with reality instead of escaping it. When you’ve always escaped for a reason. In order not to face anything, anything at all. Instead of hiding from just the negative – the guilt, the worthlessness, the fear, the intensity and dominance of it all – you hid from the positive – the real joy of watching a child walk, holding a little girl, watching the water, the sunset, the sunrise. The world is full of colour. Light and dark. Blackness, as I’ve learned, doesn’t portray darkness, rather, strength, power, confidence, eternity. Blackness can mean whatever you want it to mean. You’re living in this world Eliza. A world which you’ve never really lived in before. A world you’ve never faced. A world you’ve never dealt with. And yeah it’s hard. And all you see are the clouds of dust. The little things and the big things all piled together that you pushed away. And that when you live in the world, you have to learn to deal with. To handle. Either by covering it all with a haze. Or by living through it. And yeah Eliza, it’s hard. It hurts. Living in a world you have never lived in will hurt. But it doesn’t all have to be bad. It could be good. Like sitting on a random step outside a store, hearing the birds, hearing a bike, hearing the cars, feeling the wind and sun, and, being with it. Just being with it. Eliza, it isn’t easy, and it won’t be easy. Taking a journey you don’t know if you want to take. Or that, you want the end result, you don’t want the journey. It’s not easy. I can’t even promise you that it’ll get easier anytime soon, for no, it won’t. It will suck. you will want to throw in the towel constantly. Just give up on it all. There’s only one thing I want you to remember. That you’re worth it. That you deserve it. That you can do this. For Eliza, no matter how much you believe you don’t deserve it. No matter how much you believe you’re guilty for living, for being. No matter how much you want to destroy yourself, and the world around you. I believe in you. I will be with you. I can’t tell you that anyone else will stay with you on this journey. Your track record of people staying with you is virtually nil, and I know you wreck any relationship that you want, and have to coz it won’t last or isn’t safe. I’m with you Eliza. It doesn’t make a difference what you do or don’t do. And, it won’t always be this way. When you get used to living in a world of colour, it’ll be easier. that won’t be anytime soon, for, you’re still living in your own head, but the more you actually ‘live’ in the world, I can’t think of another word, maybe the more you’re present in the world, the more present you will be. Being present comes with the good and the bad. You may only see the bad of it now. The good is there. Underneath the surface. That you’ll have to clear. It’s not gonna be an easy trek Eliza, but you’re worth it, and you can do it.