Letter to myself: 22nd February 2019

I haven’t actually written to myself in quite a while. I’ve been wanting to all week so I guess I’m going to try.

Eliza,

Hi E

I don’t really know what to say to you. I don’t know how to tune into your world and really reach you. And that makes me sad. For me. For you. For both of us. All the same. That the distance is so necessary coz’ otherwise it just hurts so much.

Eliza, whatever is or isn’t, I know how strong you are. I know that you can do this. I know how much living in this world hurts. I know how much you just want it all to stop. And I know that you’re more. That you’re bigger than your mind. That you’re bigger than anything or everything, or mostly, the nothing. That you’re brave. Although it seems foolish so often. To try so hard. To belief in the beauty when all you see is darkness. When no matter how okay you are, you just know it’s so not worth it. I know you’re strong, for you’re still here. For you’re breathing. For you’re okay. For you’re staying present. For you’re living in the world. I know you’re strong, coz’ you’re here. Sometimes I wonder if strength would be the opposite. And I know you’re strong, for even if strength would be the opposite, staying is strength too.

You’re brave. You face the scary. You face the impossible. Yeah, you don’t face anything at all, too. But that’s not your choice. You can’t choose to be aware of what you aren’t. You can’t choose to know what’s going on for yourself if you don’t know how to. You’re brave for you’re trying to teach yourself to feel your body when you feel anything. You’re brave for keeping boundaries. You’re brave for keeping distance from someone who you don’t know how to keep boundaries with. You’re brave for living. For being.

You’re worthy. You’re worth it just because you exist. You’re worth it just because you are. You’re the essence of life itself. You’re part of the Source of life, there’s no way you can’t be worth it. You ARE worth it. If there’s one thing I wish I could convince you, it’s that you’re worth it. That you’re worthy of living life.

You’re deserving. That you deserve to live. That you aren’t guilty for existing. That you aren’t guilty for being. That you deserve to live. Just live. Never mind that you deserve to live a life you love and love a life you live. That too. But just that you deserve to live. At all. For you do. You deserve it. You deserve anything and everything.

You are not guilty. For anything.. Regardless if people are hurt by your choices. Regardless of the mistakes you’ve made. Of the lies you’ve said. Of the lie you’re living. You are not guilty. Ever.

I love you Eliza. I really do. Sort of anyways.

You’re beautiful. And lovable. And precious. And caring. You’re thoughtful. You’re giving. You just are. You are okay.

You are okay. It’s okay to not be okay. You are okay. I know it because you haven’t used painkillers yet. I know it because you haven’t picked up anything to self harm with. That’s also how I know how strong, brave and courageous you are. For you’ve been wanting to mess up so badly, and yet you haven’t. You’ve kept away from it. However hard it is. You are okay Eliza. You are okay. Even when you aren’t okay, you’re okay.

I don’t know how to make the world a safer place for you. I don’t know how to make you feel safe in a world when you don’t feel safe within yourself. I do know that you will find that sense of safety within yourself. I know that you can. I know that you will.

I believe in you. I believe in the dreams you don’t know you have. I believe in you. In your strength. In the truth of your life. I believe in you.

I know you don’t understand E. You don’t understand why it’s so hard. You don’t understand why you want to mess up so badly. You don’t understand why you’re so tired of trying to live a life you don’t want to live. You don’t understand why you don’t want it. You don’t understand why trying is hard or bad. You don’t understand why you are where you are. And it’s okay. You don’t always need to understand. It’s okay to be you.

That’s something I wish I could tell you and make you really know. I’ts okay to be you. You don’t need to be like everyone else. You don’t need to be like the world. You don’t need to understand why people are cruel. It seems like everyone looks at the world as being so much darker than you do. For you just believe in everyone and everything. You don’t see the badness. In others. Except in yourself.

I love you Eliza. I love you. I wonder if this time I mean it or not. I love you even if I don’t mean it. I love you. I’m proud of you. I’m with you. Whatever happens, I’m always with you. I know everyone leaves. I don’t know how to stop it. I’m beginning to realise that it’s not always your fault even though you blame yourself. For blaming yourself gives you control. Even if they left and disappeared for no reason. Blaming yourself makes it hurt less. I’m with you E. Always and forever.

Always and forever,

Eliza

29 thoughts on “Letter to myself: 22nd February 2019

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  1. You are more than ok, you are WORTHY and I am so proud of you resisting those harmful urges and really admire your ability to express yourself in this way … you are a precious treasure and it’s a real blessing to know you <3

            1. You’re right that I genuinely care for everyone. Well, almost everyone. Hmm, no I care for everyone I like almost everyone.
              And yeah, I know you mean it.
              Love and light :)

      1. Yes I meant it Eliza. I am okay – the weather here has been really bad, and we are having very high winds tomorrow 50-60 miles per hour winds and something called a “Bombogenisis Cyclone” event … they have called 1,000 electrical linemen in as they expect a lot of power outages. It has been a trying Winter. Hope yours is better. Other than that I’ve been fine. You’re back in the swing of things, probably feels like vacation was ages ago already. Routine has a habit of doing that doesn’t it?

        1. Oh my. It’s actually been nice here – blue skies. Feels like spring may be coming.
          I hope your house is stocked up….. and that you’ve lots to read! (well, I like reading, you may like dancing to cd’s)
          Lotsa love, light and glitter
          Yeah, back in the swing and want a break – asap!
          E

          1. Ha ha – In the 70s and early 80s I traveled by myself … I think I’ve mentioned before I took a tour of some kind every year. One big tirp and no little trips in between. The high of the big trip soon wore off as the realty of work, etc. set in pretty quickly. I would start to plan the following year’s trip.
            One time I returned from a cruise and decided I would love to be a cruise director on a cruise ship (too many years of watching the TV series “The Love Boat” and Julie McCoy, Cruise Director. I did apply but never got a letter, rejection or otherwise. The house is stocked up and I’ve not bought much for the fridge anticipating power outages from all these ice storms and today’s wind, but I have enough food in the pantries. Lots love, light and glitter to you too. The wind is howling out there … hopefully I am abler to return later. {{{ }}}

            1. What else would you do asides being a cruise director?
              It’s good that you have the other stuff, and I love how practical you are about the fridge…
              Supposedly nice weather is meant to stay in britain for this week and not further. I really hope it just lasts and the forecasted storms decide to swivel and disappear in the ocean.
              Take care of yourself….
              Hope you get lots of rest today (and this week) too.

            2. That was the only thing I applied for as I thought it would be fun. It probably is a good thing I didn’t get a reply back because my parents paid for my college education, so likely they would not have been happy that I went off to be a cruise director – the fact of the matter is that I never found a job to do with my degree. I worked briefly at an ad agency after I graduated but that was it. Good that you have nice weather in Britain … a week at least is a start and I think your March will come in “like a lion” like ours.
              I have stayed off here most of the day trying to get housework done … hate housework and also because I pulled the plug on the computers due to the severe wind. It sounds pretty ominous out there … raging to 50 mph now, but most of the afternoon was 32-43 gusts. I heard a loud noise but did not go outside – now it is snowing … no end to this stupid Winter.
              I think i’m going to bed shortly and listen to it rocking and rolling out there. Have a good week too Eliza … {{{ hugs }}}

            3. I’ll be dashing outside to see what that loud noise was … it sounded pretty ominous and I want to make sure there is no damage or shingles in the yard, running the car and dashing back in. The wings have calmed down a lot, just 25 to 30 mph, and no snow, but not a day to walk, so unfortunately will come in and start work early since we’re busy.
              Not much glitter to spread, BUT … I am grateful I did not lose power Eliza … we dropped about 30 degrees during the course of the day and I have no family, and with the exception of my friend Ann Marie who lives about 10 miles away (and I don’t really know her that well), I would have nowhere to stay if I had a prolonged time with no power. It’s a good day to hunker down indoors – I am sorry I spent most of my weekend doing housework, getting the tax stuff together … one walk on Saturday morning. I hope next weekend is nicer. Half your workday is over already!

            4. I meant to respond to you this morning before I went outside Eliza – I saw nothing outside – that made me almost as worried as if I had seen something. I stood across the street and on either side of the house down a little to see if anything landed on the roof – nothing and no shingles off. I think it landed on the roof (or the patio awning which is all metal so would have made a large thunk too) and saw nothing. The only problem I had was a street address sign on my pole light out front. Four years ago we had a windstorm that was 39 mph and I had just heard the weather forecast and my neighbor called and said my shed fell apart and her tree split in half. The City tree crew came to move the tree a few hours later as it blocked the street and their tree cutters came the next morning. They had the tree gone in about 15 minutes – I watched them from the door. It was a tall, kind of spindly per tree. They are prone to splitting. I watched the tree fall and did not realize they “took out” my address sign. It snapped off and I could not have it repaired – contacted them and the guy said to get another one and send him a bill. I had to look all over the internet for a similar hanging sign with the address … I don’t have an street address on the house due to siding – removed the numbers. He never sent me the check … stupid sign and new horizontal pole was $75.00. Finally he contacted me and said he would drop the check in my mailbox before he went up north on vacation – good thing he did as he went up north, was snowmobiling and crashed into a tree … died. Anyway, the wind made it fall apart … I had to put it together – it looks funny, but I have a handyman and maybe he can do a better job when he comes in the Spring/early Summer to do his outside chores … my handyman is nice, honest and trustworthy – have to have that if you’re single/no family … but he is expensive … if he is going to charge alot to fix it, I’ll have to order another sign … but considering the powerful winds, I’m happy that was all. And the power outage worries me – it would get very cold very fast and you worry about frozen pipes. I heard on the radio that a lot of Europ is enjoying a heat wave. Mother Nature is a little wacky. {{{{ hugs }}}}

            5. Thanks Eliza – I hope this Winter weather leaves soon … we are back in the deep freeze next week and more snow over this weekend. I thought of you outside because it was pretty …fresh and pristine, just squirrel tracks where I put some peanuts out for them before I went outside.

            6. That’s okay – you gotta start somewhere. I started walking, just a city block at a time, I thought I was very cool when I walked to a footbridge over a creek and did that every day for months – 2 1/4 miles roundtrip.

  2. Eliza,

    I just wanted to second what you said. You are brave. You are worthy. I continue to be impressed by your self-awareness and the fact that you don’t judge or invalidate your emotions, particularly when they happen to be unpleasant. I love the fact that you write letters like this to yourself. I think we would all benefit from explicitly talking to ourselves in such a kind a gentle manner.

    You got this!

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