I haven’t actually written to myself in quite a while. I’ve been wanting to all week so I guess I’m going to try.
I don’t really know what to say to you. I don’t know how to tune into your world and really reach you. And that makes me sad. For me. For you. For both of us. All the same. That the distance is so necessary coz’ otherwise it just hurts so much.
Eliza, whatever is or isn’t, I know how strong you are. I know that you can do this. I know how much living in this world hurts. I know how much you just want it all to stop. And I know that you’re more. That you’re bigger than your mind. That you’re bigger than anything or everything, or mostly, the nothing. That you’re brave. Although it seems foolish so often. To try so hard. To belief in the beauty when all you see is darkness. When no matter how okay you are, you just know it’s so not worth it. I know you’re strong, for you’re still here. For you’re breathing. For you’re okay. For you’re staying present. For you’re living in the world. I know you’re strong, coz’ you’re here. Sometimes I wonder if strength would be the opposite. And I know you’re strong, for even if strength would be the opposite, staying is strength too.
You’re brave. You face the scary. You face the impossible. Yeah, you don’t face anything at all, too. But that’s not your choice. You can’t choose to be aware of what you aren’t. You can’t choose to know what’s going on for yourself if you don’t know how to. You’re brave for you’re trying to teach yourself to feel your body when you feel anything. You’re brave for keeping boundaries. You’re brave for keeping distance from someone who you don’t know how to keep boundaries with. You’re brave for living. For being.
You’re worthy. You’re worth it just because you exist. You’re worth it just because you are. You’re the essence of life itself. You’re part of the Source of life, there’s no way you can’t be worth it. You ARE worth it. If there’s one thing I wish I could convince you, it’s that you’re worth it. That you’re worthy of living life.
You’re deserving. That you deserve to live. That you aren’t guilty for existing. That you aren’t guilty for being. That you deserve to live. Just live. Never mind that you deserve to live a life you love and love a life you live. That too. But just that you deserve to live. At all. For you do. You deserve it. You deserve anything and everything.
You are not guilty. For anything.. Regardless if people are hurt by your choices. Regardless of the mistakes you’ve made. Of the lies you’ve said. Of the lie you’re living. You are not guilty. Ever.
I love you Eliza. I really do. Sort of anyways.
You’re beautiful. And lovable. And precious. And caring. You’re thoughtful. You’re giving. You just are. You are okay.
You are okay. It’s okay to not be okay. You are okay. I know it because you haven’t used painkillers yet. I know it because you haven’t picked up anything to self harm with. That’s also how I know how strong, brave and courageous you are. For you’ve been wanting to mess up so badly, and yet you haven’t. You’ve kept away from it. However hard it is. You are okay Eliza. You are okay. Even when you aren’t okay, you’re okay.
I don’t know how to make the world a safer place for you. I don’t know how to make you feel safe in a world when you don’t feel safe within yourself. I do know that you will find that sense of safety within yourself. I know that you can. I know that you will.
I believe in you. I believe in the dreams you don’t know you have. I believe in you. In your strength. In the truth of your life. I believe in you.
I know you don’t understand E. You don’t understand why it’s so hard. You don’t understand why you want to mess up so badly. You don’t understand why you’re so tired of trying to live a life you don’t want to live. You don’t understand why you don’t want it. You don’t understand why trying is hard or bad. You don’t understand why you are where you are. And it’s okay. You don’t always need to understand. It’s okay to be you.
That’s something I wish I could tell you and make you really know. I’ts okay to be you. You don’t need to be like everyone else. You don’t need to be like the world. You don’t need to understand why people are cruel. It seems like everyone looks at the world as being so much darker than you do. For you just believe in everyone and everything. You don’t see the badness. In others. Except in yourself.
I love you Eliza. I love you. I wonder if this time I mean it or not. I love you even if I don’t mean it. I love you. I’m proud of you. I’m with you. Whatever happens, I’m always with you. I know everyone leaves. I don’t know how to stop it. I’m beginning to realise that it’s not always your fault even though you blame yourself. For blaming yourself gives you control. Even if they left and disappeared for no reason. Blaming yourself makes it hurt less. I’m with you E. Always and forever.
Always and forever,