Letter to myself: 19th June

Dear Eliza

Hi :) I love you, you know.

This world is full of triggers. Being triggered means as much as you want it to mean. Being triggered is normal. There will always be things that trigger you. In one way or another. You can be triggered by things easy to pinpoint. Like last night, you were triggered by a blog post, and then putting on kelo cote (anti scar gel) was a bigger trigger. You can be triggered without knowing why you are. This world is made up of triggers. Like hunger being a trigger to eat. The sight of food being a trigger to eat. Or think of your students. when one asks to go to the bathroom, another always does too. As one student said ‘When someone else asks it makes me feel as though I need to go’.

Triggers are normal Eliza, and a part of everyday life. What matters isn’t the thoughts, or desires, but how you act on it. So, last night you thought about self harming. AT the time it seemed really real. Today I know it wasn’t very real. There’ve been times you’ve wanted to self harm and it was a real fight. Last night wasn’t. You were triggered by what you read, by scars and a host of other factors. Everything has as much meaning as you decide to give it.

Life doesn’t define you. You actions don’t define you. Your thoughts don’t define you. You get to define yourself. You get to build your life on that definition.

Think of your clothes. How you dress today in a way that doesn’t define or reflect you at all. Yet you are now okay with it. For you know that your clothes don’t define you, you know why you are making the choices you are (well, in this situation), and you know that you define yourself.

Triggers, being triggered, doesn’t define or reflect you in any which way. I wonder if you ever won’t be triggered. I wonder if there will come a day that you’ll never think of self harming using, starving yourself (well, not eating is something that can actually still play out so isn’t the best example). You may always be triggered. And it doesn’t mean a thing. It means whatever you want it to mean. You get to choose what power to give to anything in your life. You get to define your life.

Love you,

Always and forever

Eliza

22 thoughts on “Letter to myself: 19th June

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  1. Sometimes I wonder if the talk about triggers is more of a trigger than the trigger itself… ???
    Loved that you are loving yourself. And loved this line: “You get to define your life.” ❤️???

    1. I’ve actually found that to be true.
      I’d begun reading someone’s post, honestly he should have written what it would be about. Even though I stopped reading it, it remained with me.
      That line has completely changed my life, and still is. I don’t yet know what I want my life to be. I’m glad I’m beginning to know that I get to choose and create it.

      1. I feel the same way, I keep having to remind myself about the whole choice thing. :)) I just had the exact same kind of thing happen, I read a post about paranoia, then I felt paranoid lol

    2. By the way, to me ‘trigger’ is another word for cause. The sunshine is a definite trigger for my mood. The way I relate to my students trigger a response. For some of them, if I’m not smiling they won’t work. Everything in life is a trigger for something or another. Just that if we’re aware of it we get some choice in the matter rather than subconscious automatic reactions running/ruling life.

        1. Thanks for pointing that out (free tech support always welcome), I just found in the wordpress app that it had the bipolarbycola site still logged as my main site, now updated. Love and light back :-)

          1. Yup, no longer shows that. You’ve also changed the gravatar/avatar. Tech support is not my thing but always happy to help (I can’t log in to this site, I can post, but not on the admin stuff, and too tired to figure out hosting and whatnot).

            1. Yep wordpress has ‘features’ that I don’t fully understand and yes I updated my avatar to a more recent photo.

  2. Triggers is a new thing that was never talked of 20 years ago when I first got ill. This is the most reasonable description I’ve come across lately. Well written. Take care out there, D.

    1. Hi D :)
      Have I met you before?
      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment…. I appreciate it. And knowing that people are actually reading and care!
      Love, light and glitter…..

      1. Yes we have, I used to have a blog called bipolar by cola, but deleted it. I’m out of my depression now and it felt like a weight reading the old posts so I exported and started again. But yes lost all my followers in the process.

        1. I get the rereading bit. I try not to read old journals for that reason.
          Have you started a new blog? (if yes, can you link me to it)
          Love, light and glitter…

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