Letter to myself: 18th January

I think I feel vulnerable to copy what I wrote here. Oh well.

Dear Eliza

I love you. I’ve way too much to tell you and I don’t know where to start.

First thing – you are worth it. First, second, third and last. Always. You are worth it.

You deserve it. Eliza, you deserve to live. You deserve to be. You are not guilty for feeling, thinking, living, being. You are not guilty, period. There is never place for guilt. I love you Eliza. Always and forever.

Eliza, I will never give up on you. if you give up on yourself, if you destroy yourself, if you give up on the world, if the entire universe give up on you, I will never give up. I’ll always be with you Eliza. I will always believe in you. I will always know that you deserve it. Regardless of anything you or the world do or don’t do you will deserve it. Eliza, I love you. And I will never give up.

I know you want the world to give up. Want everyone in your life to just disappear and leave you. Because it is inevitable that they will eventually. For you just don’t believe otherwise to be feasible. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is scary. It’s easier to just have it fall on you already, than to wait for it to drop. And if you make it fall, at least you have a part to play. At least you can blame yourself. And don’t have to live with the knowledge that it will happen. Eliza, you don’t have to make those shoes drop. For you deserve it. You deserve to be okay. You’re worth it. Eliza, people can care about you. And you don’t have to wreck it. I promise you that. I’m with you Eliza, always.

The world continues on. Nothing ever stays the same. Nothing can remain intense always. For it just isn’t possible. Today was a calmer day. I’m grateful and glad. That it was a calmer day. I know Eliza, I know. Today was a good day because work was mostly okay, living was mostly okay and it wasn’t just ‘too much’. And I know, I know , is that the definition of a good day? But yeah Eliza, when you laugh with friends and splutter over your drink, when you relax with a puzzle, when you bake cookies, when you don’t throw up when nauseous, it is a good day. I know Eliza, what is the point? So it’s a good day, but is a good day just living when there just isn’t a point to it? I don’t know Eliza. Yet. I don’t know yet.

What is today won’t be tomorrow. For, tomorrow is a new day. The tomorrow doesn’t always just mean in 24 hours, but in the future. Because now there is no meaning that you can see doesn’t mean that it is how it will be in the future. Things change, and nothing lasts. There has to be meaning and purpose to this world. You know that. And can work through what that is. You can do it Eliza. You can find it. You deserve to find it. It isn’t unsafe to think Eliza. It isn’t unsafe to be. It isn’t unsafe to exist. I don’t know that it’s safe, I know that it’s not unsafe. And that you can do it. That you will do it. That you deserve to do it. That I am with you. Now and always.

I’ve so much to tell you. More than I can continue putting down at this moment in time. Just remember that first until the last thing. That you are worth it. You deserve it. It encapsulates anything and everything else. I’m with you Eliza. I love you. Always. I will never give up on you. You don’t have to destroy anything good. You can and will get there. To living a life you love, living and being present in a world, giving and making the world a better place, prove it is possible.

Luv ya, Eliza

Eliza

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