Letter to myself: 15th November ’19

Dear Eliza

You don’t want to say hello to me. You don’t want to see what is for you’re scared. Although, what is (going on), is so good. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Even if it weren’t good, you’re strong enough to handle it. Plus you’ve got me with you always. You never have to be afraid. You’ll never have to face this world alone. You’ll always have me.

I love you Eliza. And I’m with you always.

I do wonder what is going on in your world. I feel locked out, although I know you’re locking yourself out too. For hiding behind a blanket means there is nothing beyond the blanket, right? I don’t think there are any monsters under the bed, but you’re scared anyways. You’re scared because you don’t know for certain that their aren’t. And, if you look under the bed, you may find a ball of fluff, and some dust, which is really easy to clean up. You may also find a monster. A monster which will grab hold of you and pull you under the be with it as soon as it glimpses you.

Eliza, if that happens, if the monster under the bed takes you, I’ll take you back. I’ll help you to fight the monster and destroy it. Or, as they said in krav maga, to defend yourself and run away. Don’t engage when you don’t need to.

You can’t hide under the covers for eternity. It would be cool if you could but that’s not even what you want. You don’t know what is under the bed. You’re scared of seeing. I promise you it isn’t as big or scary as you think it is. Even if it is, we’ll handle it. We can’t face it or deal with it if we don’t know what is there. When you’re ready.

When you’re ready Eliza. We will wait. I will wait for you, and I’ll stay with you. We’ll look under the bed together. And we’ll probably see that there was nothing there.

You’re scared of seeing what is. You’re on edge and some of the things you’re doing – like eating too much junk, throwing up when you do, reading xxx, aren’t positive and you think that’s a bad sign. You don’t want to know what is going on in your world.

At the same time Eliza, at the same time you’re trying out things. You’re taking care of yourself. You’re spending time with friends and being honest. You’re looking at volunteering, exercise and new opportunities.

The world is a mixture. All that you are doing shows me that you’re okay and that you can face why you’re not being perfect with food. Coz you’re normal and not perfect?

When you’re ready.

I love you Eliza. I love you as you’re present. I love you when you aren’t, too. I love you as you eat good/healthy things. I love you as you try not to purge, or you do. I love you when you’re calm. I love you when you’re freaking out. I love you Eliza. I love you always. I will love you always. Just as I’ll be with you always. You’re worth it. You’re special and awesome. You’re deserving.

Always and forever,

Shabbat shalom Eliza,

Eliza

10 thoughts on “Letter to myself: 15th November ’19

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  1. oh eliza, never stop being yourself, never stop loving yourself, never stop picking yourself up and smiling, never stop realizing that you’re beautifully human and flawed
    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
    "take pride in what is sure to die" ||-//

  2. Also, Eliza, you have us, your fans (your “followers” is what WordPress calls us, though that sounds a bit creepy).

    Anyway, the letter-writing Eliza is worth more than the whole lot us. You are too, for that matter.

    Now, this journey is our journey. The monsters, if they dare show their ugly mugs, are no match for all of us. Heck, any one of us could handle them

    The successes will appear with greater frequency now. Those, our association will amplify.

    Pretty good situation, wouldn’t you say?

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