Letter to myself: 15th January ’18

Dear Eliza

I love you. I’m sorry it’s hurting so much at the moment. It’s kinda like a thread about to snap. I love you Eliza. Eliza, it’s so hard to believe in hope when that’s all you ever have done and it doesn’t seem to help or make a different. Eliza, look at your life from the point of view of an outsider. Look at the changes you never dreamed to be possible. I know it hurts. I know it’s a drag. I know you want to be anywhere but here. I know you want to self harm ‘just because’. I know that you want to just give up. I love you Eliza. I always will. And yeah, I know how much you want to destroy yourself. How much you hate yourself. I love you Eliza. There is nothing you can ever do to change that. I know how alone you feel. I know how much it hurts to try so hard and to be so completely misunderstood by the world. I know how pointless it seems to live in the world. To try. To continue on. I know how meaningless and worthless it all seems. I know that you don’t even want to continue trying or hold on even if it is possible to get to a place of loving life because you don’t deserve to get there and never can deserve it. I love you Eliza. I love you. And am with you always. I know how alone you feel. I guess how alone you are. I don’t really know how you can change it for I know that if you try to reach out to other you’ll just wreck the relationship. It’s okay. i love you Eliza. And I promise you, one day it will be different. I believe in you. And I know you will get there. For one day you’ll believe you’re worth it. And will be able to handle it. Love you.

Eliza

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