Letter to myself: 14th January ’18

Dear Eliza

You’ve come to the end of yet another day. I’m super proud of you. You stayed present for the entire day today, and that is really major. You went out with your special needs sister and stayed patient with her for nearly 2 hours. You relaxed. Tried to stay calm today although you’ve been really on edge. When it got too much when you were skyping AH you stayed present and didn’t cut off in your mind. Eliza, there is a first time for everything.

Today was a hard day too. Just living life, at the moment, is something you’re finding difficult. For it’s all just so – why bother living. G is home too. You spoke to AH and he dissed what you said when you were brave enough to share with him. And when you took the courage to actually tell him that it hurt he just told you that it was fascinating how he could misunderstand your words. Today was a hard day because sometimes you reach the point where everything is so ‘blaa’, there is no change and seems to be no point in trying so hard when it seems pointless.

Yet, Eliza, you’re here.
At this moment it seems pointless. You are, and have continue, to hold onto the little things. You’ve focused on what you are grateful for. You’ve been doing things that are relaxing. You’ve stayed busy. And you’re holding on. When you reach the end of your rope tie a knot and swing. So okay, you aren’t swinging from it, but you’re holding on. And believing that the little things which seem to be meaningless may one day add up to form something meaningful. you’ve been holding onto the knowledge that it will pass and get better, even if you can’t see how it can be possible and don’t believe that you can possibly deserve to get there.

I love you Eliza. And believe in you. In your – my/our – ability to get there. I know that you will get to a place where you believe in yourself. Where you know that you are worth it. And deserve to be okay. You are worth it, you know. And you do deserve to be okay. Just saying….

I love you Eliza. Always. And am with you every step of the way. You can do this however impossible it seems. And, prove the world and yourself that the impossible says I’m possible. Faith is taking the first step even if you can’t see the full staircase. Just continue taking those steps. Just continue holding on. Don’t give up before the miracle happens. and don’t expect miracles to happen. Look at the small things…. at the small changes that prove things to be different. Look at the fact that you are living without messing up with anything at all, something you never believed to be possible ever. Look at the patience you had with B. Look at how you are living in the world more, choosing not to cut off/tune out when you see you are faced with choice (when you see it before you’ve already done it). Look at how you are trying to do the best by the world around you. And look at how you are trying to do the best by yourself.

I love you Eliza, and am with you and will be with you always. You are not alone. For you always have your greatest ally at your side every step of the way – yourself. You will get there.

Eliza

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