Letter to myself: 12th February ’18

Dear Eliza

It’s the end of yet another day. The day’s seem endless now, but they won’t always be this long. There’ll come a time when you wonder where the days flew to, why you have so little time.
There’ll come a time….
Eliza, there’ll come a time
When you don’t feel crazy
There’ll come a time
When you won’t dreams of looking up things like how to obtain xxx (something people have used to commit suicide with)
There’ll come a time
When you won’t be emptying painkillers into bags and throwing away the boxes
There’ll come a time
When you won’t be throwing up or controlling through food. Or anything else
There’l come a time.
Eliza there’ll come a time
When you’l be calm
When you’ll live tuned into the world
When you’ll live in the present – just being
When you’ll be patient with everyone
When you’ll understand yourself
When you’ll love yourself
When you’ll believe you’re worthy
When you’ll believe you’re deserving
When you’ll be able to build healthy relationships
When you’ll know what you want
When the contradictions add without detracting
When you’ll channel your intensity for the positive
When you’ll know how to handle life.
Eliza, there’ll come a time. There’ll come a time that you are grateful for not having given up, you’ll appreciated how hard it all was and is at the moment for you’ll see how it was worth getting past it and through it.

I love you Eliza. And I believe in you. I know that you’re hurting. I know people have hurt you even if unintentionally, broken what should never have been broken. Try not to make those walls impenetrable Eliza. For if you barricade yourself in again you’ll be moving back into your own world. I know that you don’t know whether living in the world is worth it, whether it’s worth the pain and the risk and how much it hurts. But Eliza, although it may not be, and isn’t, worth it today, it will be worth it one day. Living in the real world hurts but it makes it, life. Yeah, when you lived only in your own world no one could really touch you and now they can. And you don’t know how to express it to them any more than you already have. Yet Eliza. Yet. It will be different.

Everything takes time. And there’s a whole lot going on for you at the moment. You are okay Eliza. You always will be okay. Yes, even if you don’t put those walls back up, you’ll be okay. I’m sorry it hurts so much. I’m sorry that the risks don’t appear to have been worth it. I’m sorry Eliza. I wish I could make it different, and I can’t. You’re okay. Always Eliza. You’re always okay. Even when it’s hard to tune into it. You don’t need to mess up. Not with food. Not with painkillers. Not with anything.

Luv you always


Ps. You’ll get there.

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