Letter to AH 29th April ’18

Dear AH

I’m going to try and put this down although I’ve no clue how to. As I’ve mentioned, I’m frustrated with you. It’s not that I think you’ve done anything wrong, I actually don’t, yet I’m frustrated. And not really sure how to explain it. I feel like you don’t hear anything I ever say. I know you’ve actually answered that before. With what I think is evident is not even latent. Doesn’t really help to know that. For it goes back to the fact that I feel like I’m talking a different language to most the universe.

I’m frustrated for I don’t know what you hear. I’m frustrated because I don’t know what you understand. I’m frustrated because I feel like anything I say is just, not understood. Let’s take what happened last week. Now, I don’t think you are wrong for not understanding. I was upset that you felt I was trying to control. I actually tried to explain to you why I was upset. I have no clue if you understood what bothered me. For you didn’t tell me. Do you know that I care that you could think I was being manipulative? I don’t know. Do you know that I care because you took away the fact that someone actually understood the silence? I wouldn’t know. Do you know that I’ve told you this stuff before? I wouldn’t know. Do you know that I told you that one of the things I realized is that I have a belief that speaking isn’t safe, that it comes into play when I don’t feel safe? I wouldn’t know. I wondered why you never discussed that with me, for I knew how relevant it was. I wondered why you never commented on it. I thought that was because it was evident to you so you had no need to understand it. Now I know that you presumably never heard me telling you that. I don’t know what you know. I don’t know what you don’t know. And, it’s frustrating. Makes me feel like I’m talking into thin air. Talking to myself.

I don’t need you to comment on anything I send you. I do need to know what you understand. I sent you 2 voice messages in the middle of the night. I was bothered by your first thought. As I let you know. I’ve no clue whether you understand that or not. I’ve no clue whether you understand what I was trying to share with you. I wrote it up as a post for you. Tried to put what I was thinking into words. Felt bad for you to worry. And actually want your thoughts on it. I don’t need your thoughts at the time. I need to know that you’ll give me your thoughts. Do I know that? No. For whenever I’ve sent you anything, and told you that I would love your thoughts on it when we next speak, you haven’t brought it up. You haven’t told me what you think. And no, I don’t have a way of asking you to.

I’m frustrated because I don’t know what you know. I tried to ask you if you understood the second audio I sent you that night. I don’t know if you heard it. I don’t know if you understood it. I was telling you that I was proud of myself for something. I don’t know if you know it. At all. Because you didn’t acknowledge it. And you didn’t acknowledge that I asked if you understood the second message.

So, I’m frustrated. And I didn’t want to put this down. Because I’m scared of how it’ll come across. I don’t want you to be thinking I need the response. For that isn’t the point. I think there are kinda 2 points that it’s bringing up. That unless you acknowledge something to me I don’t/can’t/won’t believe that you know it. I know you’ve seen that before. And it’s a need. The other kinda is a cause for this, for I’ve no clue what you understand and what you don’t. I feel like you don’t understand what I say. I feel like I’m kinda talking into thin air. Else why would you so misunderstand things so often? (And then there are the times when you’re so on mark that it scares me. Although often those things you’ve said that I remember because you’ve put it into words and really understood it, you’ve forgotten, and if I’d quote it back to you, you’d wonder if it was true. I’m thinking of 2 things you’ve said. You once asked me what was behind it all. I told you that I don’t know. No, I don’t know. You didn’t believe it. Then you decided to explain what it would be like if it was true that I was messing up my life without knowing why. You put it into words. And your reaction as you said it was ‘oh’. That’s what it’s like for you. No, you didn’t get a response from me ;) surprise, surprise? The other was when I sent you a document of the stuff I wrote on the computer as a 15 yr old. Not sure why I had a year in a document when most stuff is by hand, but oh well. Your reply to that was that it was full of questions, and whatever else you said, that I hadn’t seen in it, at all.) It’s not that you never understand anything. For you do. It’s not that you don’t listen. For I know you do. It’s that, I don’t know, I’m frustrated that you don’t acknowledge what I say, for unless you do I don’t know that you’ve understood. For your words have told me often enough that you haven’t seen what I sent to you. Yes, I know you read everything (and I appreciated that you didn’t read what I mistakenly sent, well, I’m presuming that you didn’t, and I had better be presuming correctly). It doesn’t help that you’re reading it if I don’t know that you understand it. If your comments or questions or reactions tell me that you haven’t understood it. To go back to the thinking I’m choosing not to speak. Do you remember what I emailed you whilst we were talking – that the thoughts, replies, comments are all in my head, that I think them all, and just can’t say them? You appreciated it at the time. You said you understand. I’m not sure why, but even if you hadn’t heard me telling you that speaking isn’t safe, I’d have thought that email, which I know you read as we were skyping, would explain the frustration at having all the words there, all the words, it’s often written there as though on a canvas in my mind, but just, there, with no way to say them. I presumed you understood it. For you told me you understand. You didn’t tell me what you understood. And now I know that you hadn’t actually.

I don’t know what it means practically speaking. I don’t know if it means anything practically. I don’t know if anything even should be different. I do know that I’m frustrated. That you don’t acknowledge anything I say. That I don’t know what you understand.

And in case you are wondering, this doesn’t play out with everyone. I’m bringing M as an example (for she’s probably the only person I really talk to), I know what she understands. If she doesn’t understand what I say, she’ll tell me. Or I’ll hear from the way she replies that she doesn’t. I remember what I say to people. I know I’ve told you this before. It’s the same as what I’ve said to you that if you don’t hear me, I need you to tell me as else I presume you’ve heard and know what I’ve said. I might not choose to repeat myself. Sometimes it takes too much effort to say something I was brave enough to say, again. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to try and explain what I know you won’t understand. Yet, I know that I haven’t told it to you. I know the words haven’t registered by you. Here, when I say things to you that you don’t acknowledge, I just don’t know what you hear, what you understand, what you register, what you know. And, it’s frustrating. How many times have I used that word?? How many times have I written here that I’m frustrated with you??? And, I know I’m expecting a lot. But yeah, it is frustrating. Especially when you don’t hear some of the nice things (like the fact that I was proud of myself for how I reacted to being upset with you, which I thought you’d appreciate, that I’ve no clue if you heard or not, that I’ve no clue if you understood that I asked you if you heard). I guess I’m repeating the fact that I’m frustrated that I feel like I’m not heard/understood, that I’m frustrated that you don’t acknowledge what I say, so often now, because I feel like you don’t hear anything, so I want to know it is actually said in words that others other than me can understand. And no I’m not reading this through, for it’s again a ramble (that I’ve no clue if it has any typos in. Is this the kinda thing you’d expect typos in, or is it the kind you’d think wouldn’t have mistakes?) that I don’t know if it makes sense or not. And as I already said, I’m not sure if it’s meant to mean anything practically or not.

E (lol I can’t sign off here as Eliza, for yeah :) )

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