I wrote this earlier. I feel insecure posting it as I knew when I wrote it that it wasn’t well written. However, if I wait to read it through I’ll just delete it. So, 166 – It’s the journey, not the destination.
It’s the journey. Not the destination. It’s the journey.
I often, always, ask what the ‘there’ I’m aiming for is. Where I’m trying to get. I was just writing this letter out – I’m writing out all the LTM’s in a LTM journal. And it’s one of the things I wrote. That maybe the there isn’t an end destination. Rather the there is the journey. The ‘there’ I constantly wonder if I’ll ever get to. The ‘there’ I wonder if it’ll make hanging onto life for so long worth it. The ‘there’ that seems nonexistant. Maybe it doesn’t exist. For what is this ‘there’ that we’re aiming for? What is this ‘there’ I want?
It’s not about the destination. There is no real end destination. I don’t actually know what I want from my life. I don’t know where I want to get to. I know I want to love the life I live, and live a life I love. None of that has a set ‘there’ necessary. For the only there that there is, is this. This moment in time. The journey. The continuing on. The lessons learned. The being. The being including the need to use. The need to escape. The learning. I realised yesterday that my job overwhelms me. That being with children for a long time is overwhelming (being with people). I was annoyed, like, what, it’s taken journaling about why I didn’t go somewhere I had to go yesterday to figure out that my job overwhelms me. The job I’ve been doing for 6 years. SIX YEARS! I’ve never realised it. That it overwhelms me. People overwhelm me. You’d think being around people and continued exposure or whatever would make it less overwhelming. But no, it doesn’t. So last night I didn’t go out as planned for the thought of the crowds freaked me out. Last night I realised that I do freak out in my job. I often give my students things to do that don’t need me present for I’m not handling it. I often leave for a bathroom break. Because it’s too much. So I’m annoyed that I only realised it now. But hey, at least I know six years along the line :). And, it’s about the journey. So I know. It’s not going to change anything for I want to work with children. I love children and plan to continue. It’s about the journey. There is no ‘there’. For when we get ‘there’ then what? Jump off the cliff? It’s about the now. The journey. Today. And I’m repeating the same words over and over. Once again this isn’t a post I planned to write. I hate that I feel like it’s so grammatically incorrect. I hate the insecurity involved. But it just is.
So long as there’s life, there’s hope.
What journey are you on?
I’ve decided that if I create a blog I can ramble on the title would be journey to life. Or the tagline. The tagline of this blog is journey from suicidality. It’s a journey from somewhere. There has to be a ‘to’ to make it worth it. To life. To this journey we’re all on whether we do or don’t like it. To life.