I want to destroy myself

I’m reposting this as this is what I’m trying to acknowledge and accept so that I can deal with it rather than hide from it and let it run my life.

I want to destroy
Myself
I want to
Destroy myself
I need to destroy
Myself I always wondered
What lay behind
Why I needed to escape
Except that
All I needed
Wanted
To escape from
Was the need
To destroy
Myself
As fast as
In any which way
Possible
I want to destroy myself
I need to
I need to hurt myself
For what?
I don’t know
Knives blades
Blood
Gore
I hate the stuff
Blisters
The gooey icky stuff that ruins my clothes
I hate the stuff
I want to ask someone
To be my master
I want someone to hurt me
Punish me
Destroy me
I just want to
Destroy myself
And then I wonder
If not messing up my life
Is worth
Facing this
And wonder
If I don’t act on it
If I let it be
Let the need be
Let the pain of not acting
On a need
Be
Will I ever know
Why?
And be able to
Deal with that, instead?

16 thoughts on “I want to destroy myself

Add yours

        1. And every day. Though I can never live for every day, at the moment today is hard enough, so wouldn’t wish for the everydays…

    1. I wish.
      So much of what I’ve written recently – both the positive and the negative – I’ve wished I could share with my ex therapist of that I had someone to just share it with, who’d be able to help me figure it out.

  1. eliza, i just wish we could sit in a room together and talk. maybe for hours and hours. or maybe just a moment. and you don’t need a master. i have one. masters taunt and the taunts are worse than what one might think is the real thing. then, i’ve been lured into playing a game of chess… and that’s kind of a classic, isn’t it? yet in the movies, the protagonist ends up winning. so i wonder about the happy ending.

I'd love to hear your thoughts

Proudly powered by WordPress | Theme: Baskerville 2 by Anders Noren.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: