I want to destroy myself

I’m reposting this as this is what I’m trying to acknowledge and accept so that I can deal with it rather than hide from it and let it run my life.

I want to destroy
I want to
Destroy myself
I need to destroy
Myself I always wondered
What lay behind
Why I needed to escape
Except that
All I needed
To escape from
Was the need
To destroy
As fast as
In any which way
I want to destroy myself
I need to
I need to hurt myself
For what?
I don’t know
Knives blades
I hate the stuff
The gooey icky stuff that ruins my clothes
I hate the stuff
I want to ask someone
To be my master
I want someone to hurt me
Punish me
Destroy me
I just want to
Destroy myself
And then I wonder
If not messing up my life
Is worth
Facing this
And wonder
If I don’t act on it
If I let it be
Let the need be
Let the pain of not acting
On a need
Will I ever know
And be able to
Deal with that, instead?

18 thoughts on “I want to destroy myself

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        1. And every day. Though I can never live for every day, at the moment today is hard enough, so wouldn’t wish for the everydays…

    1. I wish.
      So much of what I’ve written recently – both the positive and the negative – I’ve wished I could share with my ex therapist of that I had someone to just share it with, who’d be able to help me figure it out.

  1. eliza, i just wish we could sit in a room together and talk. maybe for hours and hours. or maybe just a moment. and you don’t need a master. i have one. masters taunt and the taunts are worse than what one might think is the real thing. then, i’ve been lured into playing a game of chess… and that’s kind of a classic, isn’t it? yet in the movies, the protagonist ends up winning. so i wonder about the happy ending.

    1. extraterrestrialone, not all masters taunt. I have a Master who is all-wise, all-powerful, AND all-loving. Two out of three of those would be inadequate and scary, but He is all of them. So, He knows what’s best for me, can cause it to happen, and does what is best for me because He loves me. He brings change in my life, but doesn’t make me want to destroy myself. Rather, He makes me want to leave my old self behind and become the “Me” He created me to be. That’s what He called being “born again.” (John 3:3)
      Serving this Master is a joy.

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