I want the intensity of self harming

Usually, in the past, the primary reason I have self harmed is either as an escape, or more recently, as an attempt to listen to the part that wants, needs, self destruction. It comes with an intensity. I really need that intensity now.

I was freaking out earlier, I decided to journal through it by writing to myself, I guess I didn’t feel safe enough to for I cut off from it. I often do that but for some reason I care now about it. Maybe because I am beginning to want to live in the world, to be present in the world, instead of living in my head or cutting off or escaping. So now I want to self harm. It will do the opposite of what I want. I just want the intensity. I don’t know what I want it for. I don’t know how to get it. I don’t know how to handle it.

Going to try sleep. Try just breathe. I really want that intensity……

I would love any/all thoughts on this….

Eliza

5 thoughts on “I want the intensity of self harming

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  1. Eliza, regarding your blog. I have a few questions for you….
    Are you in therapy and are you on any antidepressants and/or other medications?
    How old are you?
    Have you considered that fact that suicide is a permanent solution to N only temporary problem. Things are always changing and evolving. Wishing you peace, strength, hope & love.

  2. I hope you reconsider… You don’t have to act on every urge. Maybe a calmer, safer alternative would end up making you happier in the longer term.

  3. I’m glad you decided to write, rather than self harm. I’ve been there on many occasions. Although I’ve done physical self harm in the past, alcohol tends to be my escape from pain. I get it though. The pain from self harm (cutting, binging, alcohol) is instant gratification. A distraction. A way to quiet the voices. Waiting it out and riding through the pain is way more difficult. I’m learning that the “waiting it out” has much greater rewards. Sounds so cliche, I know! Keep up the fight and continue to write. I’ve found great relief from writing – even when I’m rambling. You can do this! Hugs

  4. I understand the need for intensity.
    Any thoughts, substances, or behaviors that produce adrenaline (and other brain chemicals, like nor-epinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine) affect the brain’s reward system. It’s by divine design and it can be very important. However, when we use this process to change how we’re feeling, we flood the brain with excess chemicals… We call it “getting high.” When this happens often, we become depleted, which leads to the addiction cycle: whenever we feel out of balance, we experience cravings for substances and activities which cause the chemicals which help us feel good, but yielding to the cravings reinforces the cycle.

    Healthy behaviors that produce those chemicals in more appropriate amounts can help balance things out. Activities like exercise, self-nurturing behaviors, music, prayer, meditation, etc. are helpful for me.

    Wishing you the best,
    Deb

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