I don’t want to hurt my family #177

I’ve been thinking about reasons to live for the past few days.

I haven’t written on here in a while, for I haven’t been needing it in the same way. I don’t need the reasons in the same way. Friday was triggering. I was speaking to someone who told me that the reason she isn’t killing herself now is because she is religious and believes it is wrong. I know that’s the reason. We’ve discussed it before. Yet someone the thought was majorly triggering for me. For I was thinking about how I don’t believe it’s wrong. How I don’t know what I believe about religion. How I don’t even care if it IS wrong, that’s so not a reason not to end it…..

So I thought about reasons. I’m grateful that I realised what was going on. For I was on edge and thought spiraling without knowing why. Understanding what had brought it on helped, for it really was only the thoughts about death and religion. So why live?

One of my reasons is my family. My 175th reason was my family. Yet this is another point. There it was about my family, loving my crazy lovable family, is a reason to live. The ‘don’t’ reason I have is my family. I don’t want to hurt my family. She doesn’t want to do what she believes is wrong and will hurt her afterwards. I don’t want to hurt my family. If my family ever know that I ended my own life they WILL be hurt. They will be more than just hurt. They’ll wonder where they went wrong. They’ll feel guilty. They’ll have to live with not just the death of their relative, but the guilt too. I don’t want to inflict that pain on them.

This isn’t really a reason to live. It’s more of a reason why not end it. Sometimes it’s about ‘why not end it’ way more than ‘why live’ because there isn’t a reason to live to be seen.

177 – I don’t want to hurt my family.

This is actually why I wrote the post I did about boundaries, for it’s the lack of emotional boundaries that had thrown me so off kilter.

Love, light and glitter

5 thoughts on “I don’t want to hurt my family #177

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  1. It is good to think like that – even if family members are not always close, or close by, on a regular basis, it does not mean they would not suffer pain and heartache if you were not permanently around. They would experience grief and wonder where they failed you.

    1. I think the last point is definitely true. They’d wonder what they did wrong, how they failed you, and they’d think it’s their fault.
      Super tired. I think I’ve said that in every single comment I replied to you today….. like you need to hear it again :)
      Love, light and glitter

      1. I know that’s what every family member left behind in every case will say. We have so many murder-suicides here in the States, or in Michigan. We just had a case of a woman with a child, she suffered with depression. The father of the child had a custody visitation for last weekend and she didn’t meet him with the child. He asked the police for what we call here a “welfare check” (you probably have a similar way that police check if no one has been heard from) … they discovered the mother had murdered the child, then committed suicide. The reason: she suffered from depression and was afraid the father would have the child taken away from her. That’s very sad. Everyone loses in this situation … mom, child and the father and her family is likely reeling in disbelief.
        Love, light and glitter to you Eliza.

  2. I think offering this perspective is helpful, Eliza. It’s kind of a “reframe” but very powerful. Family members carry the suicide with them for the rest of their lives.

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