…she feels like she wants to cuddle me.
I want to scream. And again this is a post I feel like shouldn’t go here. I know I haven’t been on wordpress in a while. And I haven’t caught up on anyone’s posts. Yet I want people to read and respond. And feel bad that I want that when I can’t give that at the moment.
I met this therapist yesterday. In a sense I’m glad I kept that distance. I’ve always called her ‘this’ rather than ‘my’. (I also lost the distance immediately from the first time I spoke to her and she understood what I didn’t say). I don’t know what to think.
The hour started out that I tried to tell her that I was upset she hadn’t responded to what I shared the previous week (letter to the girl who killed herself) the way I wanted her to. That I wanted her to see what I wanted her to see – that it was a beautiful letter – and anything she wanted to ask me about suicidality or anything, she could ask me later. She began reading it again. And commented on what I said, missing the point that I wanted her to read it. I switched off. I only realised long afterwards that it was why. Because she hadn’t understood what I wanted or given it to me. Which makes me feel crazy. There was mostly silence for the next 40 minutes or so. Which she interrupted every so often to try engage me – which she couldn’t. Which I couldn’t handle. For she wasn’t there. She told me every time that if I didn’t tell her what I wanted or needed there was no way she could give it to me. Then she asked me what I’d been thinking. Way too much. She asked me to tell her just one of the things. I said that I’d been thinking of walking out and decided it would be giving up before I started. She was somehow surprised that I was thinking of walking out. I’m not sure where the surprise comes from. I told her I wasn’t okay with the silence. That the reason I was whispering was because I didn’t want her to hear me. That she’d jumped (from one point to another) and I couldn’t handle that. She understood some of what I said, most of it she didn’t. She asked me if she could move to the same couch I was sitting on – we were 10 feel or so apart and she found it hard to hear when I said anything. I said no. She couldn’t sit any closer to me. It wasn’t safe as it was… at some point she said she feels like she wants to cuddle me. I said she can’t say that. To which she replied how she always does when I say she can’t say something. That her feelings are hers, and that’s how she feels, she feels like she wants to cuddle me. At the end I walked out and she offered me a hug. I said no and said something, probably asking if she was actually serious, to which she repeated her offer. Uh, no. I don’t do touch as she should know – we’d discussed touch the previous week.
Now, I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to think of her offering a hug. It felt okay. I trust my instincts on that. That if it felt like it was okay for her to offer than it was. Re her saying that she feels like she wants to cuddle me, the more I think about it, the more minutes that pass, the more uncomfortable I am. It’s not okay to say that to a client. She didn’t mean it in any way – but I wouldn’t trust myself on that because I don’t pick up on anything. Not true, there are people I meet who I just get vibes from that make me uncomfortable. I don’t, have never gotten that, here. Yet it’s just not an okay thing to say. I don’t know how she could think it’s okay. I don’t know what to do about it. For it’s just so not okay.
What confuses me most is that she’s shown me the difference between good therapy and bad therapy. That she is, has been, ready to meet me where I’m at. I see the good in the way she offered me the second time we met pen and paper, whereas AH (ex therapist) told me he thought it was a great addition and extremely unconventional that we’d email/text whilst skyping (though that was weird of him, we’d been doing that always). I see the difference when I didn’t feel bad for her that there was silence and she couldn’t engage me, whereas I’d always feel bad for AH. I always thought that what I cared about with AH was my fault for caring. She showed me with how she related to me that it wasn’t my issue, but his. I see the difference that I never felt guilty for anything here. That I just would expect her to handle whatever is and meet me wherever I am – so we spent the time in silence. She wouldn’t take responsibility for what is mine – like telling me that unless I give her something to work with/from there’s nothing she can do (not those words). She’d own her responsibility. She’d be honest and ready to challenge me and wouldn’t accept a non answer. She’s been tuned in to how present I am. Ready to give me what I need (if I could express it in a way she’d understand).
So now I’m confused. Don’t show me what a good therapist is and then say something that crosses boundaries. Be a good therapist or be a bad therapist. I don’t know how to relate to it. What to think. Or what to do about it. Or how to know either.
Not sure what else to say.