Glimmers of hope. #167
I like Tamara’s way of including the numbers. I sometimes wonder if I should take away the numbers… what d’ya think?
Glimmers of hope.
Those little moments, the glimmers of hope, that tell you maybe something can or will be different.
I had an appointment with a mental health service on Tuesday. For those who were wondering, I’m not seeing the therapist I met. She said she thinks it’s an issue that she wasn’t attuned to me to know it’d be an issue for her to offer touch (she sees no issue with therapists touching clients) and can’t be my therapist. What hurts about that is there is so much that would make it difficult for a therapist to be my therapist, and hear it’s nothing about me. I didn’t deal with it incorrectly. I did everything with others knowing exactly what I was doing (I don’t trust myself, for good reason). Yet I’m looking back and wondering ‘what if’. Oh well. The what if is because she was and would be able to handle me. Most people freak out at the mention of suicide/self harm, she wanted to discuss it. Most people would not know how to handle an hour of silence. Or know how to break through the barriers. Pick up on the little things. Handle the push/pull and lack of safety. It’s very much ‘oh well’ for it’s what is, and is just another door closed. I actually emailed another therapist I’d spoken to a while back asking if I can make a one off appointment to which I didn’t get a response. Also another door closed. When one door closes another one opens? I wonder if that’s true.
So I had an appointment with this mental health service in the NHS. A 2.5 hour long appointment, which was okay and a waste of time. The time was spent filling out an entirely long form and him deciding to refer me to primary care services – therapy. It was a waste of time as he wasn’t going to accept me into the service anyways. But, I told him I wanted a therapist who’d do DBT. He thought it could be done but when I told him it couldn’t he checked it up – of course I was right. He told me though that my GP can request funding for a therapist in primary care services (basically, primary care services is therapy, secondary care is under a psychologist/psychiatrist too) to do it with me. And that if they refuse my GP can tell this service that he wants them to find a way for me to learn DBT.
Oh, and something I found pretty cool. When I told him I’m constantly on edge he explained to me exactly how my body would react. The physiological response. For some reason I was/am surprised that he was so right. I can’t remember all that he said – the pit in the stomach, choking, nausea, sweating. I asked him what the physiological response of shaking was about (I spent the second hour and a half shaking away). He said it’s when the body is preparing to deal with a threat, before the fight/flight. I actually thought it was after but it makes sense that it’s when you feel threatened too – it makes sense for when I’m freaking out I shake. Also after – like when I’m in bed, as soon as I stop and allow it basically.
Glimmers of hope. I doubt it’s all that simple as this guy I saw made out. I doubt it because I know of all the people who’ve tried and who couldn’t get it. I know the people who work in the NHS and told me there’s no way to learn DBT. Yet, glimmers of hope. I’m choosing to hope. To believe that this teddy bear of a guy – he reminded me of a big grandpa teddy bear – is right and there’s no reason for me not to get what I’m asking for.
S’long as there’s life, there’s hope.
What glimmers of hope have you seen?