Forty Nine: It’s part of a big picture

I’m sitting here, surprised, that I am here. This date has major significance to me. Beforehand I was dreading it, yet now that it’s here, it’s just a date. Just another day. That’s part of the big picture. This day, a year ago, was the end of 6 weeks after I promised to try (not to end it) for 6 weeks. Yesterday a year ago was when I promised to give life a go. It’s been a year. A year later, I’m glad I didn’t kill myself then. For it’s all part of a big picture. That doesn’t mean to say I don’t struggle still, for the more I work through anything, the more I realize what a mess my life is, and just how much I’m acting in order to destroy myself. I still think about suicide often, I feel the need to be able to act on it, and have the tools to do so at hand, yet, I’m glad I’m here. Before or after something happens, the event can loom so large to take up mammoth proportions, when in reality, it isn’t all that big. In reality it’s just another event in the picture of life. It may be a bolder stroke than the rest of the paint strokes on the canvas, but it’s just another stroke. Just another day. Just another moment in time. Which, although it takes up everything at that moment, it won’t always.

So long,

Eliza

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