This has turned way more into a journal entry than a blog post. So not sure why I’m gonna post it….

Trigger warning


I’ve gained weight. I need to lose about 5 kilo just to fit into my BMI. BMI is crap and meaningless. When I was 5 kilo less the xs clothes were too big for me… My coat now is still an xs. But, some of my clothes are small, and some clothes, I can, gasp, fit into a size medium. I’ve gained weight. I need to lose it. I really need to. I’ve been eating for comfort. I see 2 options in front of me. Either throw up. Purging does not help. It does not make you lose weight. Or not much anyways. And, what does it help to eat if I’m going to throw up? Or stop eating. I lost most the weight I lost – it was about 30 kilo, I’ve now gained back about 5. Okay, it was more like 35 probably….. I balanced at about 5 more, but now should be less. Whatever. It was in a span of about 2 months. Or less. Has to have been. For that’s how long I wasn’t eating for. I’m not anorexic. Or bulimic. I’ve just messed with food. A lot. My relationship with food and my body isn’t the healthiest, but neither is it the worst. Same way I’m not a drug addict. I’ve just messed with OTC painkillers. A lot.

Either way, I need to lose weight. I’m talking about in a rational kinda way. I need a gown I wore a couple of months ago to look good on me in a month. My clothes don’t look great. I just bought a new wardrobe, I need – want – my clothes to actually fit me and look good on me. Also, my skin used to be a whole lot clearer. I’ve not gained the weight on healthy foods. It’s on junk food. A lot of wasted calories. A hell of a lot. Thing is, if I cut out the junk, I’m not eating. For I’ve been mostly living of junk. I need to lose weight. And I don’t know how to go about it in a healthy way. I guess most things I don’t know how to do in a healthy way. I don’t plan on going back there. To the purging after every meal. To the nausea. And the guilt when I didn’t. And the guilt when I did – for I ate food other family members would have eaten and it was such a waste. Or to the not eating. I don’t know why I wasn’t eating. Okay I do know, I stopped eating because I wanted to stop throwing up. I only didn’t eat at all for a few weeks. After that I was eating enough. Or, my kind of enough. I don’t know. Okay, I really don’t know. But either way, I don’t know how long it’s been, but, I don’t usually think about what I eat. Sometimes I notice it more, sometimes less, for the most part my relationship with food is okay. Except when I eat for comfort. And I’ve gained weight. And I need to lose weight.

I feel guilty. I want to stop eating. I know people who are desperate to eat. To taste food. And they can’t. It’s dangerous for them. And here I want to stop eating? Yeah, I want to stop eating. I have to really just live a healthy lifestyle and stop caring that I can’t feel my bones anymore….. that’s what’s bothering me most. That I can’t feel my hip bones……..

Anyways….. food. So yeah I don’t know what will be. But it doesn’t really make a difference, for have to just live a moment at a time.

2 thoughts on “Food

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  1. Oh darling, I’m so sorry you’re struggling with food and body thoughts. My weight is FINALLY restored from a long period of anorexia, but I’m now recovering from bulimia (no purging – exercise and laxatives are my “purge” methods of choice…). It’s really hard to see your body change, and sizes change… Just know that BMI is 100000% bullshit. Being at a slightly higher BMI than expected due to muscle is what disguised my anorexia. And yeah, I’m fat now. Not subjectively, objectively. I also need to lose weight. I miss my hip bones too. and my wrist bones. and my collarbones. and my ribs. I just have to remind myself of all the things that Ana took from me, and the facade of things she promised I would receive. eating disorders are based on lies! that’s the biggest thing I’ve learned.
    Still though, sometimes, when I body check, I see myself in the mirror and I think you know what? These thighs let me run, and my body was so deprived at one point that i PHYSICALLY COULD NOT even run. These arms let me do headstands, which I never imagined I would do. This boy-like chest and abs and obliques mean I’m strong, and strong is always better than skinny. I know that probably doesn’t help, and I’m not dismissing your struggles at all, I’m acknowledging them and validating them, and know that you’re not alone. And FYI this is no ad, but I’ve written a few blog posts about anorexia and weight restoration and you might like to check them out – click on the tag eating disorders and that will take you to them :) “Everything will be OK in the end, and if it’s not OK, then it’s not the end” – the quote that literally saved my life

    1. Thanks Rosie,
      I love your outlook!
      Been messing for the past couple of days with food. No choice there. Not even to lose weight but for control. Hoping not to head back down there. Everything is okay – now. For I am okay, however much that fact may be concealed, often from myself.

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