I began this post as an update, but, it’s my next reason.
I started this blog one day when I was thinking of suicide as a feasible option. At the time, which wasn’t so long ago yet feels like it was eons ago I wanted, no, needed, to focus on the positive. I was looking forwards in time. It was nearing a year after I’d promised to give life a go. My thinking at the time was that, a year is long enough to have tried for, I don’t need to try longer than a year, and being that it still seems as pointless, come a year, I can mess up however I want. And yeah, I’d end it then. I decided to create a list of reasons. A reason a day, why I want to live. It’s been a year. I’m still here. I don’t see suicide as an option anymore. Yeah, of course it’s an option. It’s not, however, one of the roads open in front of me. It’s not like I see it as a feasible choice for this moment in time. I haven’t seen it as a relevant choice in a while. I still need the security of knowing that I can end it at any moment, but it’s not the same, at all.
I was aiming to get to 50 reasons. For I worked out that before my deadline I could probably write 50 reasons if I kept it up at a reason a day. It got easier the nearer to the deadline it got. Primarily because of something AH told me. He said to take away the deadline. Not to hold myself to that date, that I had to live until then. Take away the force of it. That I don’t have to make a suicide pact with myself. Until I did that, gave myself permission to face the moment as it was, and whatever I’d do, I’d deal with it then, I knew that come that day, that’d be it. Once I took it away, the date was just that, a date. A significant date, yeah, but just a date. So, I got to 50 reasons. And had, have, 50 reasons to live.
I want to continue writing reasons. I’ve looked up such online. I’ve actually come across a few blog sites that are doing similar. The only problem being that they’ve all started, and stopped, some at 25, some at 40, some wrote 100 reasons. Whichever wrote 100 were only those that were lists, not those that were blogging. I want this blog to continue. To stay active. For the list to grow, and grow, and grow. There is always another reason. There is always more. Nothing stays the same or stagnant ever. I hope I can do this….